Sarah_1988 Posted August 7, 2015 Report Share Posted August 7, 2015 I have borderline personality disorder and I am an alcoholic with 60 days of recovery as of today. I have a problem where I get attached to women (I am gay, but I am not sure this matters) and I cannot decipher if it is a crush, or if I am still looking for my mother in them. They are usually older than me as well. It is not the same when I actually have a girlfriend, those relationships are somewhat typical. The problem is that this kind of attachment that I have to these women scare me because I am so afraid that they will leave me and I will never see them again. My moods go up and down depending on whether I think they are happy with me or not. It can seriously make or break my day. It can make me suicidal, or it can make me feel high. I also cannot seem to really be attached to more than one person at a time. But the attachment that I have with that one person is generally intense. They never really know how I feel at this point in my life because I do a VERY good job at hiding it. But it is eating me alive inside. Sometimes I can have a girlfriend and still have an attachment to someone else. Hence why I am not sure that this is romantic. I just SO CONFUSED. Is this because my parents abandoned me when I was a baby? Am I still looking for a mom? I am 27 years old. I just don't understand why this is happening to me. Is this even BPD related? Can anyone tell me anything? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamie2011 Posted August 7, 2015 Report Share Posted August 7, 2015 I cannot completely answer your question, but I can say I relate, so you are not alone. I can remember as far back as to when I was about 11 years old I was attached to women, who were much older than me. It has usually been an older person who works in certain roles. eg teacher, supply teacher, sports coach, OT's, GP's etc you get the picture. I have never really spoken with anyone about it, but like you I would fall to pieces and not cope if I did something wrong involving them and also a constant fear of never seeing them again. I know what it feels like and have tried to understand where it comes from. My mum was never an emotional giving person, no comforting, her way of showing she is there is via objects or money. When I was 11 my parents split and at various points my dad abandoned us for his new life and I also lost my nan at a young age, who was the person who I felt loved by. Her passing away was very quick and until this day I think of her all the time. So I wonder if there is a link to our early relationships with parents/caregivers and how in the future we look at building new ones. Plus having a deep fear that one day someone will no longer be there and you wont be able to see them ever again. Hope that makes you feel a little better to know you are not alone with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PolarBearStare Posted August 7, 2015 Report Share Posted August 7, 2015 Hi Sarah.I was really moved by your post because I could feel how intense and scary the attachments feel to you. I've also lived through something similar and I know from personal experience that it can be really confusing and brings up a lot of feelings about how you feel about the other person but also how you feel about yourself for having the feelings.I am so sorry that it is eating you alive - that shows how vivid the feeling is and it sounds like you might have feelings of guilt at your own feelings which can be so painful. All I can tell you is it really is ok to feel this way - you can't help how you feel. And actually, the fact that you are able to attach despite what you have been through is a positive thing, even if it feels scary. This is because for some people that ability goes away and then there is nothing to work with later in therapy, as any ability to attach can help you to form an attachment to a therapist and is part of the healing process.I don't know if it gives you any hope, but I have come from the point where I was feeling like an older woman was the centre of my universe and couldn't stop thinking about her and was looking for her even when walking around town. Now, I have lots of attachments and don't have the same issues any more and I'm happy with my life. So it is possible to recover. Do you think you might be able to access therapy? Or if not, do you think you might be able to focus on building relationships with other people around you? The feelings can subside if you have lots of friendships and people you can be yourself with, even if those friendships initially feel like they are nothing like what you actually need in your life.Take care with yourself and thank you again for sharing your experience - it was really brave.Lisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaerieFires Posted August 7, 2015 Report Share Posted August 7, 2015 Hi Sarah,I have had the exact same experience. I'm also gay and struggled coming to terms with whether these are romantic attractions or something else around abandonment and neglect from my mother. I also have BPD too. I'm having these attachment difficulties with colleagues at work now too, even though I'm in a long term relationship! It's a nightmare and it is totally consuming.I wish you the best of luck getting through this, and if I find any answers I'll let you know.I'm always available for a chat!FF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted August 8, 2015 Report Share Posted August 8, 2015 From my experience I am seeing you can have attachment issues without BPD, but most people with BPD have attachment issues due to their intense fear of abandonment and their drive to avoid it.I have BPD and although I am not gay, I have no qualms about blurring the lines, when it serves to encourage a positive connection, although I have not done this years I feel comfortable with this rare part of my sexuality.It may feel so intertwined with who you are that it seem impossible to tease it apart, but gay or not gay needed to heal the abandonment wound is the main issue at hand to focus on. It this something you are comfortable working on in therapy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Me myself and I Posted August 11, 2015 Report Share Posted August 11, 2015 Oh my God I read your situation and thought and had to double take to make sure it wasn't me that had wrote this. My childhood was really bad with alcoholic parents my first attachment started at ten. I have since had a diagnosis of bpd and ocd but have not had an attachment since a young teenager I have since developed a attachment to my counsellor I am also gay and she is straight but has been amazing one of the things we spoke about was that if our attachment are out of family whether we did this subconscious as we are used to the response it's a true thought if we think about it even though hard. There is a book I found on Kindle it called Inner bonding becoming a loving adult to your inner child. Or lost in the mirror it's about bpd but specific on attachment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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