who to be no that what defined me is potentially gone?

[Kara.]

Last week my T helped me think that the abandonment and abusive stuff was not my fault. I grew up feeling that I had nothing inside of me and I was very sensitive to what I felt to be intrusions from outside. I wanted to cling to physically my mother all the time. I feared so much. As a teenager I had no clue who I was, what I wanted, what I liked… the few things that I liked were also massively attacked by family members.

I became a carer for my dysfunctional family and this role became me. It gave me a shape that I didn’t have. It brought me the praise that I had never had. Even strangers would say that I was great for being so giving. There was no other place for me but the carer’s place. And I took it because I wanted to belong and be good at something.

It went wrong. I didn’t save my family and I blamed myself.  I keep on attached to a thought/feeling/delusion that if only I had done more, if only I had been better, if only… people would have not left, people would have not died, people would have not be violent and ill, people would be happier and love me.

These thoughts, as irrational as they are, kept me connected to these people. When T tells me, in a way that reaches different parts of me, that it was not my fault and that there was nothing I could have done, I feel this massive distance growing between me and them (though they were not there already) and a great sense of abandonment and loneliness takes over me. The nothingness comes back and I feel that I actually rather have kept the illusion of being something than the reality of this nothingness. I had a shape before. I was my family’s failed carer and now I am nothing. I have no clue what to be. What to do. I feel so alone and so lost. And my T thought that I was going to feel relieved and unburdened but I feel lost and deeply alone instead. I think that the child part of me just wants to cling on to something, no matter what, as long as she is not alone. This nothing me has never been seen and helped. And T can't see her either. 

Thank you for reading.

 

 

[Eagleheart]

(((Kara))). I want so much to give you comfort because I really understand your emotional state,but I am all broken in pieces atm,struggling to be able to connect to rl. I hurt so bad. Rl is way too painful for me to cope with,so I am living in a place that doesn't make me want to just die.

The point is that I understand you. And it hurts me that I can't give you peace. All I can do for now is let you know I care about you & send you love.xxx

[Kara.]

Eagleheart thank you so much. You already helped me a lot. I'm sorry you feel so bad yourself. Lots of love and a warm hug. I'm here when you come back. More back. 

xxx

[bluemoon5]

I understand Kara, xxx maybe there is a way, almost like being reborn, where you can grow and become someone xx

[addy2]

Hugs Kara I am thinking of you, I wish I could help but my head is fuzzy these days but I am always here for you I hope your ok? Xxx

 

I was once told by another woman with bpd that she had to rebuild her personality that she had to start over, that she was never taught anything by her parents so she taught herself and became who she wanted, not sure its that easy though x

[Kara.]

Thank you bluemoon. Thank you addy.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I will in some weeks time. Right now I feel lost and scared. 

Hugs to both.