social services

[addy2]

I got the social workers report today and we have been passed on the long term team which so far haven't done much. I feel crap I always thought I was a good parent but apparently my MH is causing them concerns and if i leave my partner I can't take my kids I'm heartbroken I really am. They said I am unpredictable and not stable that stuff is hard to read, but really what more can I do? I now might be discharged from therapy as I am still to unstable and still sh they want me to go to someone else and work on the self destructive stuff. I'm feeling crap and tired and my anxiety is crazy I still feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown I thought I was doing ok but I am loosing my temper all the time and its not fair on them I just feel like walking out. My biggest worry has always been that I would impact my kids negatively and it turns out i am so what use am I?

[bluemoon5]

hi addy,

sorry Addy, this is a bit close to home for me to comment on, the only thing really I try to live by is if I get well then it will be good for them too so no matter how hard I want to self destruct I have to move forward. x

[addy2]

Thankyou blue moon I have given up I have been discharged from therapy today because apparently I'm too unstable so know what they can all go jump I tried so hard but now I'm angry and rebellious and I'll be as self destructive as I want I'm too unstable but they leave me alone, brilliant isn't it x

[bluemoon5]

yes babe, happened to me 2 years ago, I was discharged when I was very unstable. but I am still here and somehow used the anger and the loss and hurt to fight back, its been a very gruelling and difficult 2 years, but I have just started back and can see that I wasn't ready for therapy.They told me that then but all I felt was hurt and total distress so much so I did go off the rails for a while.

I doubt my experience will help you today as I know how strong the self destructive urges can be but we have to go on really we do for our children and for ourselves.  we have to shout loud and say I am not a victim I will show you I am stronger than you think.

please keep posting you have friends here who care and will not dessert you, we have to stick together through these times, coz to be frank only those who have lived experience truly understand the devastation of feeling abandoned by professional helpers xxxxxx

[Kara.]

I'm sorry to hear that addy. 

Bluemoon, i remember well when you were discharged. Two years have passed. Incredible. 

Please addy, do take good care of yourself right now that you need the most. You may get to a place where you can engage in therapy. 

Hugs and love.

 

[addy2]

you guys are the best blue moon I would be so lost without here. I can't believe it happened again and she knows I struggle with endings some notice would have been nice then she told me she hated leaving me like this and that my scores of depression and anxiety where so high so why the hell did she then, she said they had a team meeting and I had to take a break for a few months and then I can ask to go back, will I hell I will never ask to go back there I told her that too I said you got one chance and I trusted u and u let me down so no never again. She asked me to leave in the report from the social worker which clearly states I was supposed to stay with her, its all a mess. I emailed the psychologist sort of on an impulse as it was her letter that started all this so I'm sort of anxious about her reading it. I don't think I'll ever be ready my anxiety has never eased or my low mood I ache all over tonight. I really will learn not to trust any of them I thought therapists were meant to help people not kick them out when things were bad xx

[Kara.]

 I can imagine that if I say that there is a whole system that is failing patients may not help. Unfortunately this is the way it is. No quick progress means discharge. Even if this goes against the T's will. 

I'm sorry that you have been discharged when you didn't feel ready. Warm hug dear addy. 

[addy2]

your so right Kara they fail us all. I am meeting the psychologist this week the one who suggested all this well she didn't suggest they throw me out she said I should leave and seek out a referral to a psychologist to work on self harm. Have you ever heard of prolonged exposure? Its meant to be good ptsd and bpd she mentioned that. I'm stressed with them all if I'm honest, I told her I'm feeling rejected and angry. I also told the new social worker way too much hes going to call my psychiatrist maybe that's not good. How are you Kara? Xx

[Kara.]

Hi addy. I have been wondering how you are. 

I just read about Prolonged Exposure Therapy. Have look into it a bit? My question addy is if by reading the different options that are offered to you, weather you can imagine the therapy working for you or not. I know it's hard when our minds are so changeable and inconsistent. But why don't you read about it and try to think of you doing it.

I think that sometimes with trauma, as sexual abuse, other traumas related to development may be overlooked and treatment may not be successful because earlier relational traumas are not addressed. I keep on thinking how your body responded to sensorial and non-verbal connection.

I'm ok addy. Will go on holidays for nearly 3 weeks so wont be around much. Can't wait to go.

You have a new social worker? 

Hugs.

 

[addy2]

yeah I got a call last week from the new one asking to meet me its a man this time but he was very nice and alot more genuine than the last one, he said she left for another job, which explains why she didn't do much for us, he spoke to all the kids he asked me about my partners violence my daughter even opened up and told him her daddy called her names. I think now although I'm not sure she wants me to take a break from therapy if I'm honest I don't know what she will do, she said I needed to find a psychologist to work on self destructive stuff first but then she sent the link yesterday, she wont get into much in email but I understand she's trying to keep me calm and I tend to ramble on. I just wish they could offer something. I don't know what would work Kara I think with the right person things could improve, I am meeting my mentor next week, the psychologist who was able to calm me through touch, I have missed her, we haven't spoken in two months and this is our last contact because the project is finished but she has said she has something else for me to do, if I had someone like her or even the psychologist who has been helping me it would make a difference but neither are where I live. I have had traumas from an early age, possibly before I could even speak which is why they think the ptsd is so bad and complicated, I have never been safe so I don't know how to feel safe if that makes sense? I made sense of something last night for the first night, when I am triggered feeling abandoned and rejection I immediately go into sh and self hate and I have sex with random people my mind becomes obssessed with sex, now normally I have no interest in sex I hate it and cant stand being touched. When I was a teenager and things were bad I used alcohol and sex as my escape so basically now I do the same. Its like I become someone else my entire personality changes even how I look has changed its like someone else takes over and I do things that normally I would never do. I go back to teenager mode I am rebellious and angry and like f*** you world I will do what I want when I want. So basically now I'm 13 these days which is strange as my body turns 40 this weekend but my mind is not 40 these days. I am manic and hyper and I couldn't sleep and I cant eat. It makes sense to me a bit, I've been rejected by my therapist like I was by my parents so I am reacting in the same way looking for love and acceptance else where. I hope you have a lovely holiday Kara xx

[bluemoon5]

makes sense to me too, thinking of you xx

[addy2]

thanks blue moon xx

[Kara.]

Yes addy. It makes sense to me too. 

Trauma in the early years require, in my humble opinion, other forms of intervention. The non-verbal is much more tuned in and I think that it is the lack of integration of body and mind, or verbal and nonverbal that makes it hard for early trauma to be processed. When your mentor tuned into your body you felt safe and calm. Like a baby would feel without the need for words. 

Anyway, I have this huge interest in the body and I dont want to impose it on you but I am already doing it, aren't I?

Dear addy, I will wish you a happy birthday now because I will be away for some weeks. 

Hugs.

 

[addy2]

no you aren't imposing it on me Kara i love hearing about it. Well today its got worse, my 8 yr old told the asd practioner that his daddy hit him, well he has smacked him which I know is wrong and she called the social worker who rang me who then then came out now he said he has to call the police. Like seriously I tried to get help and no one listened now they are stepping in, what will they do? I am terrified they will take my kids. The social worker has also contacted my psychiatrist to get an appt. Its all so out of control, I'm scared I shouldn't trust them, I'm scared the psychologist won't want to talk tomorrow I really need someone on my side but if I tell her the real truth and she tells them I will loose it all they will make my partner leave and I know this maybe needs to happen I'm just confused right now. I hope you have a lovely holiday Kara xx