New here - Undiagnosed BPD

[Mirlyn]

Hello all, I'm a 32 year old single mother to a 6 year old little boy. I was diagnosed with PTSD about 6 years ago. I also have been diagnosed with ADD, only recently requiring medication. Along with my ADD diagnosis a dysthymia diagnosis was also made by the psychological evaluator. I have recently started doing a lot of research on my "issues" because I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. The positive aspects of my life right now are my son, a career that I excel at, and I have maintained a 4.0GPA all 3 semesters since I have returned to college. The negatives? I was never much of a drinker until about a year ago and now it seems to be my number one coping mechanism. I recently was in a relationship that ended poorly because I have such irrational reactions to normal situations and EXTREMELY negative reactions to anything that is actually serious or perceived as serious. I got a DUI at the beginning of July and am currently in the middle of a legal battle to attempt to keep my license. I seem to snap at my son a lot and don't nearly enjoy the time I have with him like I used to. I feel like I have no emotions half the time then the other half of the time I'm extremely emotional, it's like there's very rarely an in between. I have spoken to my psychiatrist that is currently treating my ADD and dysthymia about the possibility of BPD and she just kinda shrugged it off. My mother is bi-polar so there is a genetic link to mental health problems in my family. I work in an acute psychiatry hospital at least 2 days per week and BPD is not something I take lightly nor do I necessarily want to attach a label to myself (to avoid stigma) but I have GOT to get myself under control and I just can't seem to STOP when I start the emotional spiral. It's usually hours later when I'm able to think clearly and logically that I feel severe remorse over my actions. When I brought up the BPD with my psychiatrist she did at least set me up an appointment to start speaking with a therapist to learn emotional coping mechanisms but it's not for a few weeks and I'm so destructive now I'm concerned about it being that far in the future.

 

Thanks for listening! Sorry for the novel just wanted to let it all out somewhere. I don't feel like I can really discuss my feelings with anyone else.

[jenny1471]

Hi

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing and being honest about what's happening.. it sounds difficult and I really do hope that the therapy helps when it starts. 

Look forward to seeing you around the forum

Jenny

[ElizabethH14]

Hello Miryln,

I can understand what you are writing absolutely. I have 3 kids all at school. I feel like I have ruined their lives already. When I flip out and loose control I just have to keep shouting about everything they did wrong ever, but really it's all about how I am feeling/struggling inside. Weekends are the worst and school holidays. I just can't cope with the time to'relax'. For me this is just time to fall apart and fight to stay alive through it all.

I was diagnosed with BPD in June this year. But having a name for it doesn't really help. I guess it means you get therapy. But I can't tell anyone 'out there's in the real world what I have been diagnosed with. Non of my work colleagues or friends know about it. I handed my notice in and am now at home because although I am SUPER at my job I just burnt myself out being so AMAZING and DAZZLING everyone. It is just another one of those many different 'outfits' we have to put on every day to go outside. But they are never really us! 

Don't worry about rambling on see I can do it to.

Take care

Elizabeth

 

[Mirlyn]

Thank you both for allowing me to vent.