MischaD Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Hi I have been seeing my therapist every week since January and we have been doing DBT. I do feel that I have made progress and the self harming has stopped (hopefully for good). Today my therapist said that perhaps in a month we could look at spacing our appointments out to every 2 weeks......I immediately felt like I was going to burst into tears. He asked me how I felt about that and I just said 'fine' as I felt so rejected and at the same time embarrassed. I left my appointment and burst into tears, I felt upset, angry and let down but at the same time I was trying to tell myself that this must be a good thing as he obviously thinks I am doing well - which I do too. So why do I feel this way? I then started thinking that I just won't go back because if he's going to abandon me then I might as well just get it over with and move on. I was thinking that he thought I was fine and that I was wasting his time and that he had better things to do than see me. I feel so embarrassed for feeling like this as when I say it aloud I feel like a silly child. I feel like it has ruined my day and now I am worried about going to see him next week as I don't know how to explain this to him without sounding stupid. I usually come out of my appointments feeling good but today I feel worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted August 28, 2015 Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 HiSorry for the delay in replying to you. I am really sorry that your last appointment left you feeling worse.. I can relate to attachment to therapists and hear your fear/pain with regards your therapist thinking about reducing sessions. I think your logic is right in that you have been doing so well, through your hard well deserved work, so your therapist is possibly trying to work with you on reducing sessions so that you can move on... but then that's the logic, and I often think logic and feelings can be so different! The feelings are of abandonment.. as you say, why bother going back if he's just going to abandon you. I really hear you and urge you to go back and try to speak to him about these feelings. Realise that could be very difficult but he should realise this is part of therapy.. part of the attachment and part of the process. Instead of dumping him before he gets the chance of dumping you, I wonder if it would help to work through it with him.. yes it's painful but I wonder if it would be a different experience for you.. like, whether in the past you would cut off from others before they get the chance to abandon you. Not sure this reply is making any sense but I really do hope that you're able to go back and talk to him about your feelings about this possible reduction in sessions.. really hope it all goes wellx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MischaD Posted August 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2015 Thanks very much for your reply Jenny. I am going to go back and be honest about how I feel. I have had a horrible week and I'm not sure if it's all related to this. I feel like everyone hates me and my life is out of control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethH14 Posted August 30, 2015 Report Share Posted August 30, 2015 Hi Mischa,I totally know how you are feeling. Have been in a similar situation myself. It feels totally STUPID, I know. Best to talk to T about it just like Jenny said.However I know how difficult this can be. I have problems telling my T things I spend all week writing down that I must tell her. Then I get there and we just stare at each other in awful silence as she waits for me to release my thoughts to her and I can't. Because I have a part of me that thinks it is all stupid and and part of me that desperately needs a deep unconditional love that I can never get from anyone. Hence feel always let down. Have you read about Jeffrey Young and the Modes? This helped me to come to terms with my BPD parts and accept a little their differences. Still a work in progress. Well must go. Strength and calmnessXxx Elizabeth xxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MischaD Posted August 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2015 Thank you Elizabeth, I read your reply at the right time. I have had the most awful day. Feeling suicidal, rejected, worthless. I can totally relate to what you are saying so thank you. I feel utterly stupid. I often can't say what I want to so I think I will go now and write it all down. Then I can just give him the bit of paper. As for searching for unconditional love, well that just sums me up. I'm pathetic. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I just need to get to 2pm tomorrow when I see my therapist and hope he can help me. My husband is stressed and when he becomes stressed he puts up a barrier. This then makes me feel more unloved and worthless. I need to keep believing that this will get better. I need to get better and stay alive for my 2 boys. Love and hugs to you all. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethH14 Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 Hello Mischa, I feel for you. The husband barrier I know so well, and once my husband has it up it is unbearable for me. I have no one else. It is NOT pathetic searching for unconditional love!!! We all want and need it as children. I know in my case I didn't get it. So this child inside is still looking and yearning for it. Hope is a strong weapon. It WILL get better. You have to give yourself time.I have 3 children. On my bad days I just feel like I have ruined everything for them in their whole lives. But when I have a good day then I know this is not true. We just can do our best on that particular day.Hugs to you and I hope things went well with your T.Elizabeth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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