I need to talk (bpd I think)

[mrb]

I have had issues with my mental state for a few months now, I had the issues before this but did not realise until recently. Prior to this I just thought I was normal and everyone else was really like me just that they did not admit to it or were so conditioned by societies rules that they were, I don't know how to put it, not right. I now see I have had issues for much longer than a few months, most of my life has been destructive and strange.

So I have no diagnosis and have sought no help, nor will I and this is for very good reason, real reasons not pretend or because of my mental state. If I could afford private care I would consider this or going abroad for diagnosis. To be honest I don't think I need a diagnosis, I can do this myself and have read lots and continue to learn. However a diagnosis would or may benefit my Mrs in terms of understanding. I am not certain I have bpd but it seems to fit very well, I will continue to research and analyse myself.

I have joined here in the hope of talking to people who understand, this is my first attempt at talking therapy, but my way.

I am ruining my family life and I can not help it. My Mrs is amazing but what I put my family through is not fair on them. I do nothing bad to them but my moods affect them very badly and because she does not understand this she makes innocent comments that set me off into depression or anger, not her fault but bad for me yet she only does it due to my moods.

Today I started colour coding my moods and writing a rule book for the moods in an attempt to avoid me doing bad things for the type of mood and to avoid her saying things to make it worse, is this a good idea. It seemed good then she said something and I stopped and now am worthless and useless again. I need to stop letting innocent comments affect me so much, I just do not know how.

I have no friends at all, let alone any to talk to. I only have my family and talking to them makes it worse, at least sometimes and sometimes is enough to mean I do not want to talk with her about it anymore.

I want to write more much more but since starting to write  this it now seems pointless which it did not half an hour ago.

Sorry

 

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[jenny1471]

Hi

Welcome to the forum.. I hope that writing did help and if so that you will continue to write. For what it's worth I don't think it was pointless. 

I do hear your struggles with diagnosis, not having anyone to talk to, etc. I don't know where you live but there can be some places that offer low fee counselling.. like some charities offer low cost or even sometimes free counselling. I don't know if that would be possible in your area but it could be worth looking in to if you do want to get that support but don't feel able to see your GP? 

Sorry that I don't have great words to reply with (am so tired) but just wanted to let you know that I've read your post and hear you. I do hope that things improve for you 

Jenny

[Carthraziel]

Your writing is not pointless mrb!
I read your words and I understand.

I think keeping a record or organizing modds can be very beneficial. I have a diary I use all year round where I write a number between 1-10 for where my mood is plus a brief list of words to summarise my mood. I did try colour coding but then found the moods became too compelx for colour coding to be of any use to me.  I also write down what I've done or any significant events then when I look back it's easier to spot mood patterns.

I think you have made a really helpful step towards understanding yourself

[mrb]

Thanks for the replies.

Jenny I am in Scotland but am not really sure any kind of counciling would help I doubt I would open up, too paranoid perhaps even enough to not open properly here. I also do not like psychologists.

Carth,  my moods are too complicated for colour but some moods cause problems for other people and they say things which make it worse for me or change my mood to something worse. For instance feeling empty is easy for me, I am used to it, but there is an empty mood which can easily change to depression from an innocent comment. I was thinking of wearing a colour coded necklace so my Mrs can see how I am feeling and will have a rule book of things to avoid to make it worse, I hope this will stop mu moods causing problems. I spend a lot of time in a manic state which is difficult for others to live with. At these times I have so many ideas that are all I can think about, mental things to most people. I know some are just stupid and far fetched but others are good, or potentially so. I struggle to tell the difference but some of the best things I have done are things others could not or would not, now I look back and see that I may have done these due to mania, but they were positive. Sometimes I think I should act on them but I do not and I am not allowed to. Perhaps it is better I do not act on them but I worry on what miss out on, prior to me knowing all this I would have done these things, just don't know what is right.

By the way I don't feel too bad today.

[ElizabethH14]

Hello mrb,

I was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year, but like yourself have had constant problems all my life. Even though I have a diagnosis, my husband still is not always able to help me or say or not say the right things. Often it come from me and I don't even realize. Like at the moment we are not communicating at all, and I blame him but really I know it is me reflecting onto him.

 

Read about Jeffrey Young on Wikipedia, this site helpful to understand what these different emotions are and where they are coming from.

The book "Stop Walking on eggshells" ( mason,kreger) has good explanations for non BPDs and it also helped me put into word what I was feeling.

Therapy is hard. Sometimes I believe useless, but I have just started mine.  I am still unsure of where it will lead me to. But it is helpful to have someone who is impartial to talk to and load all the rubbish out onto.

Don't overload your wife with it all.

I hope.this helped a little. But I can't follow exactly what you say with the moods. Whilst I was in th clinic for diagnosis, I made a mood clock with colours for each mood. I had 12. 6 positive and 6 negative. This helped me to define the differences.

Take care

Elizabeth

[mrb]

Thanks Elizabeth,  I will have a read of those things later. So far the only helpful thing I have read was on the mind site.

The comment about not over loading my Mrs with it all really hit home and helped, thanks. I have clearly been doing this to her.

In terms of a diagnosis I can see why it may not help as you have said. The thing is some days she is brilliant at dealing with it, I can talk to her and she may not get it but she is in the right mind set to not make it worse, I can tell these days by a particular comment she makes, the same each time. Yet other days I will be depressed or angry and I am told that I am using it as an excuse to be nasty to people and I am not, I do not choose to feel a certain way, I do not choose to act a certain way it just happens. I wish I was not like this, I wish I did not act in such a way just sometimes I can not help it and I do try. It certainly is not an excuse nor is it the way I want to be. When I am told things like this I hate it. She brought this all to my attention, before that I was just me. I just think that with a diagnosis I would stop hearing things like it is an excuse to be nasty, with a diagnosis it is a recognised condition, without it it is all in my head. Yet I can not go to a doctor in the UK. 

[ElizabethH14]

Your welcome. I really think it will help you to read about the 'modes' from Jeffrey Young.

No we don't choose to feel that was,  know. But it is triggered sometimes by things we don't even know about. Finding the triggers is important, they usually come from the past.

It sounds like your wife wants to support and help you. This is great. However my husband just can't take it all on and never really understands how I feel. How it REALLY is. Do you have a chance to see a doctor in another country???

Got to go to work now.

Talk again later

Elizabeth