Evil mind, I'm scared

[Becca95]

Hey,

 

ive been away for a long time now, things were looking good, of course I still had struggles but I wanted to step back from this website for a bit. Now, I'm really needing help..for those who don't know me, I have bpd, depression and anxiety disorder.

Couple of weeks ago I had a really nice day out with some friends, it was dark when I was on my way home. I felt something change in my head, then I just completely changed into this 'evil person'. I was making a beeline for a man and I really wanted to hurt him   I was scared after this experience and when I told two people I trust I think I scared them too.

 

tonight, it happened again, I'd just finished watching a horror movie in this case which I normally watch. I felt different again and I felt so much anger and hate. I was absolutely fine, went to the evil phase and now I'm crying scared and confused.

anyone else experienced this?  

 

thanks 

[Han]

Hi, I totally understand the flipping of emotions. I have been watching 2 seasons of the originals on Netflix. Have got to the end and feel like my world has fallen apart. Seems really silly but this happens with lots of things I watch, it makes me go daft and messes with my emotions.

How do you explain to someone who does not have BPD how you feel without sounding like you have lost the plot?

[Carthraziel]

Hey Becca,
I too have experience of these extreme emotional explosions.
Ultimately what matters is it's not the emotions that make you who you are, it's how you act on them. So even though you feel scared that you might hurt someone there is clearly some part of you that retains perspective even when these emotions occur. This unfortunately does mean that you then get 2 extreme's at the same time which can be overwhelming but in terms of your actions they cancel each other out.

The important thing to remember is not to judge these emotions, they are not you. Don't fear them or try to hide or ignore them. When they happen just give yourself a mental commentary on what you feel and the emotions will subside on their own.

To Han,
So far I have learnt that explaining these things to someone without BPD is basically impossible. We speak a very different emotional language, it's like talking to someone in a language they don't understand and hoping they know what you mean. The main thing I have learnt is to just not tell people who I don't think will understand as this will just save me emotional trouble later. But if you find someone who does understand or who is at least very willing to empathise, tell them.

[Becca95]

I don't know what's real or what I'm imagining anymore, I just don't know who I am..

you can't really ecplain to someone who doesn't have it without sounding crazy, that's one of the problems with mental health those who don't understand think we're pyscho 

[Phychobitch89]

Wow slow down your overthinking things your not evil or bad just vulnerable.  We are all a little strange ur not alone.  I have fits of rage feel like I cud throttle someone. Then I calm down look at bigger view and try to see from outside view. See what was wrong with my behaviour and try hard to remember next time I have violent thoughts. I have been goin to counselling for several months and it helps a bit they give u lots of shit to read but u don't get pressured. Speak to ur doctor plz. Keep well. Deep breaths help too.

[Saharah Blue]

Being open is scary and being closed and bottled up lends to the emotions which start out as normal, fear, disappoint, or upset, turning into a morphed intense version of the original. It take self acceptance and a safe place to learn that healthy emotions will warp without validation. I believe this is often the reason that rage and violet thing and behavior have room to scoot in and become real.

If it is at all possible for you to take a step back, try and tease apart the emotion that first started the slide? Please go easy on yourself. Thoughts are just thoughts and not bad, acting on them is entirely different.