where do i start

[Tray]

today is a bad day again... have been crying on and off for a few hours and dont know why?

 

things have been getting worse for a while now, prob all year to be honest,,, I stopped all my meds just before christmas last year, due to problems with my liver.

 

I had a severe excema outbreak and had to go on low dose chemo for nearly 18 months to cure it, which started affecting my liver so had to come off all meds for 5 months. Thankfully the liver is repairing itself and am now back on Fluoxatine 40mg a day for the last 5 months or so, but my moods are awful. Im not having many highs, but I seem to be getting lots of lows, where I just cry and want to run away... I dont feel like i have any support from anyone anymore...

no one asks how i am, no one is interested in me unless they want something from me, and i dont have anything left to give amymore but i still do.

 

Im still working, full time, plus overtime when i can, as a health advisor for the NHS111 service. I love my job, but we have recently been privatised by another company, and well works not a very happy place at the moment... i cry at the end of most shifts on the drive home... my temper is getting harder to control, i feel so angry, yet anxious at the same time... i cant seem to let anyone know how im feeling...

 

i feel like iv had enough of this life now, and just want to run away and start again, alone... the only thing really stopping me is Keera, my daughter

 

she's 6 now! time flies it really does, but i still find it hard being a mom everyday, but i cant leave her, even though i think she would be better off without me...i worry so much that i am projecting my emotions on to her, that she would be better off without my bpd in her life...

 

my partner, well its not bad, but its not as it was. we dont do much together these days, and i often feel like he's only here for Keera and not me... i often feel no one would miss me when im gone, but still i stay, but i dont know how much longer i can keep living this god awful life i find myself in...

from the outside i have it all, a partner, a child, a job i love, my own house, i get a good wage and so can finally save and get my house looking nice and but things, yet i feel like i have nothing inside anymore... just thoughts i dont want and a life that i dont deserve

i want to be happy, but i cant be, and i dont know what to do anymore

[Data]

The chemo sounds horrid Tray :(. I am glad your liver is repairing itself.

I have found fluoxetine good in the past.  My 11 year old son takes it now (10mg a day).

I am interested in you!  Its good to have a friend. I am sorry things are bad with your partner.  I went through a bad patch with my wife a few years ago and things are better now.

I also have a wife, kids, my own home, a good job - but am unhappy :(.

I have come to realise that there are no magic cures.  For me the answer is to to enjoy the good times whilst they last, and to try and ride out the bad times without doing too much damage to myself and my relationships.

 

[Tray]

you have always been a good friend Data, even when I have not been on here...

I just feel like i should appreciate what i have, its more than some ppl, but its true what they say, just because you have material things, doesnt make you happy

[Saharah Blue]

Hey Tray, I can relate to a level, in my case these day low, of emptiness. Despite all the hard work and perseverance and being strong, still feeling so unseen and pained by it. My life too has improved in so many ways, but those age old pains and triggers, despite being managed don't seem to abate fully. (((hugs))))