please help me - suspected ubpdbf dissociating/abruptly ended rs I cld really use some perspective from anyone who had bpd esp males :'((((((

[AnnaBanana]

Hi everyone, I had been seeing my bf for abt 6 months and last wk he inexplicably ended the rs saying he was in what sounds to me like a dissociative state in which he was just disconnected from his feelings and thoughts and couldn't explain much except that he just "wasn't ready for a rs and didn't want to continue this anymore"..now that I'm looking back over the past cpl months it's making sense to me now that this must be a BPD thing but I'm wondering if it's something that he would snap out of at some point or if this is the absolute demise of the rs :'( I am completely gutted, like he died..

Anyway to give some background our rs is a forbidden one due to career reasons and we finally decided to come out in the open w it a cpl months ago bc as he said it was starting to affect things between us and our rs couldn't grow and develop and it was starting to make me depressed. So we did and I met his kids but for the first month it was almost like we were more disconnected or at least there was no change..granted our lives are both v busy and logistically it's difficult to see each other and I understand that so I just went w it, not being one to be "needy"..

Then starting the next month I really started internalizing that this was abt him not seeing me as a priority and I started feeling really depressed abt it (the month started w my bday this was why lol)..I had a meltdown but not really directing it at him directly but hoping he'd get the hint which I think he sort of did and we spent our first weekend together at his house w all 4 of our kids and it was great so I felt better..then the next weekend he just seemed really disconnected, I invited him to my sister's (I nvr ask him to do anything hardly) but he was too busy, and I started feeling REALLY down again..started melting down over text the nxt cpl days but again not being v direct that this was abt him really although most ppl should have picked up on global statements bat not feeling like I'm anyone's priority might hv something to do w him, but he kept replying w "I'm sorry babe", "I know just how that feels", "I hope you're ok"..which in my mind at the time (maybe i'M the one w BPD????) I took to mean "I'm sorry you're not a priority to me, that really sucks that you're so upset abt it"..this started triggering this abandonment fear and panic and finally he said "How can I help?" and I said "We'll clear you can't, isn't that what you're saying?" And he effectively shut down after that..

We didn't talk much for a wk, I sent him lengthy messages owning that this was abt me, not him, I needed to take responsibility for my own feelings/need and communicate better, he was an awesome bf etc etc etc but he wasn't really responding to much, then all of a sudden he just went silent altogether, which started triggering abandonment and panic again (he had actually done this once before abt. A huge circumstantial issue in our rs and he promised he'd nvr dump me out of the blue again and we made a plan to handle it next time, but he wasn't following the plan..I tried sending him light funny messages and a message saying I was ok and that he shld take all the time he needed but it felt like he was avoiding me bc he wanted to end the rs and if that was the case please tell me..nothing..

A wk goes by and I'm so panicked I can't even work do I send him another message "I'm not ok. Please let me know what's going on"..he texts me back and says "I'm so sorry to put you through this but I don't want to do it anymore.." I immediately start driving to his house bc my panic is so bad I feel like I can't breathe, in the meantime he's saying "No I don't want to meet, there's nothing to figure out" I said Your feelings are ok I just need to understand!!! This is beyond shocking to me!! I pull in his driveway and say I'm at your house and he's says "For what?" omfg really..

So he let's me in and is kind and take me by the hand and sits w me while I cry and ask questions that he can't answer as to why..he said he still has feelings but slowly he started losing interest in having a rs..said no he cldnt conceive of suggesting a break that it was all or nothing basically, said he cldnt remember any of the triggers to this or anything over the past cpl wks really..I made him hold me all night while I sobbed which he did and it felt genuine and tender and like it always did except he just..wasn't really there..

He left it with "We'll see, let's just see" but since then I've heard nothing (it's been almost a wk) and I'm pretty sure he's not even reading the 3 messages I've sent..so I guess I'm just going to go no contact w him but does this sound like there's any hope???? My thinking of what happened is that when we came out w our rs it made him realize he wasn't ready to handle the pressures of what that meant esp considering the incredibly intense connection we had..even though he said "It's not you, you never even asked me for anything emotionally", I think he knew he was compelled to detach from me and that this was going to start affecting things, and then it DID, and then w me melting down and saying he couldn't fix it, must have triggered such shame and inadequacy..plus his life is not in order he's getting back on his feet after a divorce and lives w his family right now etc, trying to rebuild his business..he must have felt like more of a loser than I even realized and the intensity of my feelings just helped push him over the edge :'((((((( Little did I know! I would have handled it much differently :'''''((((((

So does this sound like he's deleting me totally and that he's always now going to associate me w these negative, intolerable feelings abt himself? Our rs was so magical and supportive and felt so right. The sex was like a religious experience every time. I had already told him that there didn't have to be any rs pressure but that throwing away everything was..unnecessary..but I did just leave everything in his hands suggesting we keep our 1night/wk together without the pressure of anything else and see how that felt..but he cld take or leave that suggestion..so I'm not even asking him for anything I'll work w whatever he needs as long as it's not asking me to compromise my needs TOO much (I didn't really say that but I would if we were actually even able to discuss it!!!!)

 

[holli]

In my opinion you need to move on, it sounds like he is not ready to be in a relationship and part of being a responsible adult is realising that whatever has been said in the paGst, people have a right to change their mind.

Give this guy some space and maybe focus on yourself and learn to love yourself single for a while

[Phychobitch89]

I think he is defo suffering Fromm similar problems as my self I can go weeks avoiding people I love and then cut them off like they r nothing disassociate. I would leave him to think for a while see if he seeks help first it's a lot to hadle I have bdp and my boyf threatens to dump me every other day. Don't take him on unless u have thick skin and beware his behaviour will be odd listeriosis at times x hope this helped

Odd and mysterious u mean't