Help and advice about mental health?

[Georgia Higgins]

Hello there. 

I am writing this post in a bid for help or advice. When I came across this forum and read some of the posts, I realised that many of you post on here with existing or long term mental health disorders seeking further advice or  just to let off some steam etc. So just to let any reader know, I have not been diagnosed with any mental health disorder, however I have drawn the line now at how I've been living for the past year or so and have decided I need to do something about it, because my feelings (or lack of feelings should I say) and emotions are really starting to affect my daily life. 

Just to start things off, I'm not writing this post because I've felt a bit nervous/anxious/fearful from time to time, I feel like I have had these problems for a long time now and feel like they are constantly worsening as time goes on. I have done so much research on anxiety, and research on thoughts/feelings/emotions and general symptoms that I never used to suffer with but are now becoming a part of my daily life. I have even completed many of those bullshit anxiety tests online. I'm not saying I've diagnosed or ever would diagnose myself from the result of this research, however I am starting to feel indenial of myself, i'm not sure whether this next bit will make sense but the only way I can describe it is that it feels like my mind is struggling to work out whether I actually physically have these symptoms/or I'm physically feeling the way I do, or it's all in my head, but all of the time I take a moment to debate this, I know for sure those thoughts/feelings/emotions are in actual fact there, it is sending me into a world of confusion (I do apologise for the worst explanation you have probably just come across. Ever)

For weeks now I have wanted to seek help from a somebody, anybody. Just to even have a talk to somebody to see whether they think I actually have an underlying problem or I'm speaking absolute bollocks, but haven't gained the confidence or comfort to confide in anybody and talk about it. I have given my mum little snipets of my situation, but the amount of information I have given her doesn't even cover the start of it. I just wanted to seek the advice of an anonymous individual so if I do so happen to get ridiculed, at least you won't know my identity. Here is a shortlist of some of the problems that first spring to mind that have started affecting me or gotten worse through the last year:

Lack of motivation: I used to be a very motivated individual, I used to be motivated for almost everything, now, it takes a lot to even be able to do the smallest of things, and if I really don't push myself to do the things I used to be really motivated to do, I just wont do them.

Lack of interest: Not one thing springs to mind anymore that I used to be interest in or have found interest in. I almost feel like I have a lack of care for anything anymore, like I just can't be bothered anymore.

Feelings and emotions: I used to be very happy most of the time, I'd have the odd rough patch where I might feel a bit down or sad, but that was just life, thats what tends to happen to most people from time to time, isn't it? But now, I can't even say I have feelings anymore, I just feel numb. No happiness anymore. I can't remember the last time I felt genuinely happy, or satisfied, or proud, or looking forward to something, the only feelings I have the privelige of feeling from time to time are feelings of sadness, upset, or disappointment. The worst thing is, is that I feel like I have learnt to cope with it which is not right, I laugh, I smile, I seem happy in front of others, but it's all fake. I have found it more convenient to just tell people I'm okay, rather than open up to people about my true feelings and emotions. 

Social situations: Now I feel like this is one of the biggest of my problems. I have always been an inbetweener at school/college/everywhere. I've never been popular, but always talked to people and had friends. I used to love going out in my free time with people, socialising and what not. But now, it feels like a daunting chore to have to even leave the house and come into contact with even one person. It just makes me uncomfortable and extremely nervous. I've never been overly confident, but bearing the thought of strangers even just seeing me walking down the street, has made my confidence levels plummet. I try to avoid social situations at all cost. I feel like I have lost all of my social skills, most of the time I find it hard to start a conversation or carry on a conversation with people, I never know what to say, I stutter, I then panic, stutter some more, my mind goes blank, I start getting hot flushes, racing heart, it's like a vicious cycle that seems to have no exit.

Self consciousness/confidence: like I mentioned above, my confidence has plummeted, I try to avoid many situations in public now as much as I can, such as eating in a fast food place, or clothes shopping. I just feel like all eyes are on me, judging me and ridiculing me. 

Worry: I have never been a worrier, but now, I worry about EVERYTHING. I have the ability to excessively worry about things that aren't even problems, or worth worrying about. For example, last week at work, my manager asked to speak me on my next shift about booking in my holidays, after that, I got worried and panicked and worked up about it, over thinking it thinking I'd done something wrong and was going to get in trouble for it. 

Guilt: Nowadays, I manage to feel extreme levels of guilt over situations that I don't even need to feel guilty about. For example, I accidentaly said 'what' to a colleague instead of 'pardon' I straight after apologised for my rudeness and she didn't seem fussed at all about the fact I had said 'what' instead of 'pardon' but it's still playing on my mind today and I still feel so guilty about it now, however this situation happened a week ago. 

Eating: I have found I am eating a lot more when I'm stressed/angry/sad/bored than I usually ever would.

Sleep: I used to have a very regimented sleeping pattern, I would be asleep by 11 at the latest, and up for about 7, feeling refreshed and like I could conquer the world and his wife head on. Now, no matter how tired I am, I find it hard to fall to sleep, I wont manage to finally fall asleep until early hours, and I can never get the right balance of sleep. I rather sleep too little or too much, finding it difficult to wake up and always feeling tired.

Irritability: I find now that I am becoming increasingly irritated at the smallest of things.

Relaxing: I feel that I am finding it harder and harder to relax in my lesiure time. I always feel on edge, and always feel like I should be doing something. I could work a 9/10 hour shift to then come home and still feel quilty of sitting down and chilling for a while, It  almost feels like I don't deserve to sit down and relax.

Fear of not been in control: One specific example of this popped to mind when I thought of this. This year, I went on my usual annual family holiday, and we went to Turkey, which obviously meant a plane journey there and back. Now, I have always been a relatively confident flyer. But this year, I have never been more afraid of something in my life. The thought that someone else was flying that plane put me on the edge. I was so nervous and panicky throughout both flights. This might sound contradicting considering I have fears when I'm not in control and big fears of death, but I would have rather flown that plane myself with no experience and crashed, knowing that I was in control. 

Self satisfaction: I never feel proud or satisfied of anything I do anymore. For example, I have just started a job on a pharmacy counter for the company I already work for. Now been 17 and starting to deal with medicine is daunting in itself. Many people have congratulated me, and told me how brilliant it is that I have jumped into a job like that with no experience and how well I've taken too it, and my pharmacy team have been congratulating me on how brilliant I'm doing and the amount of progress I'm quickly making, however I can't make myself see it like that. All I can think about is how frustrating my lack of knowledge about the department at the moment is. I just feel like I can't get satisfaction out of anything anymore.

Difficulty concentrating: My attention span will stretch to about 5 minutes nowadays. My mind is always active and slope off on a tangent to think about my worries and concerns and all things negative.

Panic attacks: from time to time I have been having panic attacks which are becoming a little more frequent and longer, usually occuring on a night when my mind is active and unoccupied. 

We have finally come to the end (apologies for the short list that didn't turn out to be so short) Thankyou for reading, and if you have any advice or help for me, I would really appreciate hearing it. Once more, thankyou. I will hopefully be looking forward to seeing your replies!:)