Screw this shit

[holli]

Every time one little thing goes right in my life, 5 other things go wrong. Seems like there is way more bad stuff then good. Maybe I am really fucked up or "damaged" as he has told me before. But am I really that damaged? Am I really that clingy and dependant? I live alone, I work full time, I look after my pets, I don't go out or have any friends so i'm not constantly around people, actually i prefer to be alone. But i never used to be this way. He made me like this and now he's left and left me alone. He still wants me to talk with him and listen to his shit etc but give nothing back.

I am super furious about this. I don't think I have been this angry even at my parents and all the abuse they caused. I hope I learn something from this. I hope that I can stick the knife in when I get the chance. He has done it to me many times. I think he kept me around because he wanted someone to talk to and now that he has left his wife he no longer needs me to talk with and can go out and sleep with other chicks. The timing seems to make sense.

Nothing I can do about it I guess, I've started drinking again and other coping things I used to do a long time ago, its nice to have that bit of numbing from the pain. Maybe I can go on meds again?

I'm also thinking about suicide a lot. I know how and can get what I need in less then 24 hours. I don't want sympathy (don't worry I have no plans) I am just not seeing any reason to keep going. I work but I don't really like what I do as everyone is so competitive and people lie to you to make you make mistakes and then get you in trouble for it, I come home to noone, no friends, family and there is something wrong with me when I do talk to people - I don't know what it is but they all shy away from me. Maybe I try to be really knowledgeable or maybe i come across as arrogant. Maybe I come across too desperate, I do want friends and I want someone to see me for how I am. I honestly don't know what it is but its something. So even though I am lonely and want friends and a relationship, I am not capable of getting it...ever. I used to have social skills when I was younger. But they faded and now I can't even talk to people properly. And I don't even like normal things that people do - I don't have a tv so can't talk about shows people are watching. I don't see the news or read about it or read magazines so any news, sports or celebrities I also know nothing about. I really don't know how this is going to get better. I only see it getting worse as I get older, uglier and more set in my ways.

Its a sad day when you start wanting to go back to living with your family and you miss those times, especially when you were hugely and massively abused when you were there. I can't believe that my present life alone has become more unbearable then the abuse I suffered as a child. I would rather have them around then live alone like this. I am not scared of being alone - I am just lonely and want a friend.

I guess i am desperate and the sound of desperation people run away from. This is really the damage my parents gave me. I have been told by many people that I should be dead. I guess I just held on longer then most.  

[b0bulat0r]

Please hold on,

I know it is hard, I am sorry to hear you are suffering at the moment,

I don't know you, only a glimpse at some of your posts and your comment on mine, but I'm not running away, I wish to offer you an avenue of friendship,

talk to me if you want to, rant at me, 

 

I am very similar to what you describe here, I don't go out, I don't socialize, I go to work I do my job (mostly hiding in my office) then I come home and mostly stay in my bedroom playing computer games and writing my stories. 

but friends are important to me and I would like to be your friend

feel free to PM me or e-mail me (I check my e-mails very regularly) and I will be happy to reply, 

 

don't lose hope, things will get better.

 

[holli]

Hey bobulator,

Thanks for replying your post made me feel less alone. Its been a while since I have felt like there are others out there that think similar to the way that I do. I used to play computer games and am a big sci fi fan, I have recently found people who post playing whole games on youtube and i've been watching them for a bit of comfort. It seems to help.

I'm currently watching someone play half life 2 - a bit old I know but it was one of my fav games. I had to go to a meeting at work yesterday and they are now firing 4 people from our department. I am worried as I have noticed that for the last 6 months they have been giving me the easiest jobs and not giving me much work while everyone else is running around super busy. If they do fire me, I will lose my job in two weeks. I am worried as I don't know what i'm going to do. I am feeling scared and alone, i guess.

Thanks for listening and replying to my post. your offer of friendship made me smile which I suppose i haven't done in a while either.

[b0bulat0r]

Hi Holli

 

I'm glad I was able to make you smile any day you can make someone smile is a day well spent.

I sometimes watch letsplays and things on youtube often when i'm on lunch at work and I can't actually get on the games themselves

sorry to hear they are firing people at your work surely they can't do that? you fire people if they screw up, if they are letting people go they need to make them redundant and you should get redundancy pay based on the number of years you worked there,

I was at risk of redundancy in july and fortunately I was safe but I was told by HR what my package would be, its basically for me 1 week of pay per year i've worked for the LA so I'd be entitled to 12 weeks pay,

its not great but its at least a stop gap to finding something else so you are not suddenly without any money,

if they just fire you for no reason you can do them for unfair dismissal,

also if your not in a union i'd suggest you join one, are you also getting any form of professional help for your mental health? I have seen occupational health and I am on the radar so one of the other protections that I have when they look to cut people is that they don't want to target me for fear i'll say "you are getting rid of me because of my condition and its discrimination" 

 

always here if you want to talk

*hugs*

 

Rob.