Struggle getting worse daily

[b0bulat0r]

I'm not doing well at the moment and I seem to be losing control,

 

I have had insomnia for almost 11 years now, but there are times when it is worse than others, I am getting very little sleep and when I do sleep I'm having vivid and horrible nightmares,

most of them are like the things you'd see in horror films, Death, Mutilation, creatures of pure evil, twisted things from the void and beyond. 

I am exceptionally depressed, worse of all I don't even know why, I mean the issues which make me "sad" or "unhappy" are still there, but nothing in my situation has gotten worse to the point where i could explain the sudden increase in my depression,

but this is one of the reasons I can't sleep well,

 

I keep busy during the day at work, then I come home and I keep myself busy writing or playing games or watching films, when I go to bed and i'm no longer busy all I can do is get hit with the depression like a wave smashing against a cliff. I dread going to bed because I know it will hit me hard and that even if i do sleep the nightmares will likely come.

this fear makes me stay up later and later (its nearly 1am writing this) which in turn perpetuates the lack of sleep.

 

I get up in the morning to go to work and I cry, Its not even about work, work is generally fine at the moment and ok yea I'd love to win the lottery and not have to work, but as far as jobs go its not that bad, but the thought of having to get up makes me cry, I am exhausted every moment of ever day I have no energy whatsoever,

 

I've been to my doctors and have been tested, I'm not anemic i'm not diabetic and its not thyroid trouble, according to my tests I'm "healthy" yet I constantly feel like I have no energy at all,

this afternoon I came from work and I went to bed for 3 hours, I didn't sleep at all, but I was so exhausted I couldn't do anything but collapse and lay there.

 

worst of all I'm running out of reasons to even try to keep moving forward,

I lie to myself, draw on inspiration from my fiction, put myself in the mind of the immortal king in my fantasy stories, pretend i'm him and that I can beat any challenge, that I'll get better and rise above, I get moments where I want to fight through it, to carry on, where I believe there is some point to my life and that I'm worth something 

its sad that I can almost even believe my own lies, but I've always been able to split fact from fiction,

the fact is I am nothing,

I am small and weak and insignificant,

 

I see the depths of the void and I can't cling to the edges much longer, 

its only a battle of time before it consumes me.

and I don't know what to do.

 

[holli]

Wow, I could have written this post. it is very similar to what I am going through at the moment. I also have a fantasy world that I go into and also have imaginary friends - people I talk to when I am alone in my flat. I am not crazy and can split fact from fiction. I was told by a T once that having imaginary friends was very common among jewish children from world war 2.

I guess it is a way to cope from extreme trauma and isolation? Anyway, I am a bit off topic.

Have you been to the doctor to try meds? are you on any? I know this sounds a bit funny but I also get this extreme tiredness and I spend a day inside drinking a whole bunch of water as it may be dehydration which makes my depression worse. At first I feel a bit nauseous but then I start to feel better. Dont drink too much too fast though. I generally sip water all day and try to drink about 5-7 litres over 10-12 hours.

I also make myself vegetable juices - fresh. No fruit, just vegies. It does taste really horrible but again give me a lot of energy. As to the motivation - this is the hardest part. I also feel like life is not worth living sometimes and I don't have anything to live for really. no friends, relataionship etc. I don't know what to say about this one apart from I think depression is wrong thinking. Its like it takes over the rational part of your mind.

I am not feeling too well right now so much go.

-

[b0bulat0r]

Hi Holli

" I also feel like life is not worth living sometimes and I don't have anything to live for really. no friends, relataionship etc. I don't know what to say about this one apart from I think depression is wrong thinking. Its like it takes over the rational part of your mind"

I sensed this on your post which was very similar to mine,

I would like to be your friend

always open to having a chat with you any time

 

 

[Auret]

I admire your fight. You are doing very well so congratulate yourself for it. 

I am on an interesting medication called Quetiapine. Which I believe is opiate based. At low dosage it makes you sleep but is not addictive. It's actually an anti psychotic drug at high dosage. 

As for you depression, it sounds like its hereditary. Have you tried changing medication recently?  Worth a try