toaster Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Hiyasome of you know me, some of you don't. To cut a long story short - I went from major BPD, drug addict, no hope nightmare to gaining a degree this year, getting a place on an MA to qualify me as a therapist, volunteer work. Quite a change over the last 6 years.Some of my old behaviours are creeping in. I've 10+ hospital admissions this year alone. Then on top off that are ,the other ODs I haven't told anyone about, a cutting episode, a fair few very drunk moments and general BPDness...I've recently graduated, am doing a PGDip/MA in therapy and I have secured a job. I have started a placement for my counselling course. I have a good relationship, things are great with my son...It's like I'm leading a double life. On one hand I appear to be quite well rounded, insightful, happy etc etc. I actually am happy, when I think about it. I'm always singing, meeting up with friends etc. Yet, I'm still doing stupid shit. I actually do not want to stop ODing, getting off my head etc. I do not want to feel like me or participate in normal living. 6 years of behaving myself and I still feel shit. I'm in DBT at the moment, which I fucking hate - I cannot abide the psychologist. This isn't me being BPD, even the other facilitators have an issue with him! I stay because I really like my 1-2-1 person. I'm not sure where to go from here. I am yet again at that crossroads in my life and I have a choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 I am sorry to hear you find yourself in a crux again. I suppose there are appealing aspects to not having to work so hard everyday at it and just letting it all roll and fall where ever it does. I find myself improved and working but without therapy or much support again in my life. I keep wondering if all of this stable behavior is going to be pulled out from under me and I will go back to being a closet cliche of BPD pain under wraps.Do you still feel like your wearing the mask? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 I think I might understand some parts of what you are saying. At one stage I drank 3 litres of wine a day, had no job, I was in psych hospitals a lot etc. Now I have a "good" life with lots of responsibilities.You say "I actually do not want to stop ODing, getting off my head etc.". I wonder if this is true. I think its guilt talking. Sometimes I think I don't want to stop drinking and binge eating. What I really mean is that I can't see a way to live with myself, and not do these things. You have therapies that tinker around the edges, but they often just provide strategies for not acting out, they don't kill the pain inside :(.I've heard several people say they don't like DBT. I hope you get something good out of it, however small. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted December 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 Thank you, both it's like...what's the fucking point when, internally, things are still the same? I now know my external environment is pretty good. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, I've achieved a degree and am now doing an MA. I have a network of people that I've never had before. We have normal struggles - money, mainly. Yet, on the inside, nothing has changed.I still do wear a mask but I think that is ok - it gets me through the day without any dramas. If I behaved in accordance with my feelings and thoughts created by my feelings, I'd have no-one. The mask becomes a problem because I suppress everything, even positive emotions. The only person pulling the rug from underneath me is me. I hate the fucking responsibility.You are right Data - it is about not wanting to feel like me. Steph often points out that I don't look like I am enjoying myself when I OD. She is right - I spent all the time trying to act 'normal', so what's the point in taking stuff?! The point is, I don't feel like me any more. Anything is better.It's different this time round - in the past, when I had overdosed, I would call and text everyone. Now, no-one finds out. Steph obviously knows, but that's it. I am not grinding to a halt. I'm not sure this double life can be maintained, however.DBT was better today - the facilitator I don't like has left - they take turns who does the teaching. My 1-2-1 person is brilliant and she 'gets' me. In fact, all the people from the CMHT I have dealt with have been so nice - validating how I feel, telling me it's NOT MY FAULT! They're not saying don't take responsibility - they are just acknowledging what has got me to this point. This is new for me, and unsettling. Self-blame is something I do well and it has been reinforced by others in the past. I know these are my choices and no-one can change me. I'm skeptical at being able to change feelings. I can change how I react to them...but that's it.I'm putting myself in a lot of danger, physically and emotionally. TW - talk of overdosing I am throwing pills down my throat like they're smarties. I've destroyed my stomach. Yet I still buy more pills. The stuff I am taking now feels more buzzy. I was taking modafinil previously but Steph couldn't cope with me taking it. It also ruined my dissertation. I actually prefer downers now but I can't get them. So I buy ibuprofen with codeine and take a box of 30 at once. I've ruined my brain - I am slower to respond, make more mistakes in my speech. I regret the damage I've caused yet still I continue.Sorry about the long reply - if you got this far reading it, thank you lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted December 9, 2015 Report Share Posted December 9, 2015 sending love, because complicated answer can feel difficult sometime when the pain is at the surface. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tray Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 hi toasty, i know exactly how you feel... to the outside, i have a brilliant job as a health advisor at 111, i do love my job and the helping, but on the other hand, i cant cope with the thoughts of each call i deal with... on a normal shift i can take 30-40 calls,,, some ppl i9ts daft, toothache 20mins! to the other urgent calls, collapsed ppl, heart attacks, even givin birth- neva did find out the sex of the baby i helped deliver...i have my own house, its looking really smart now, when i can be bothered to clean, i have a car, i can afford things and to save at least £200 a month cause of my job...everyone tells me how well keera is doing, yet i feel bad as i dont spend enough time helping her with homework, or reading...i am drinking far too much, and smoking weed , but i have stopped the od'ing for now, thou the self harm is increased, from food binge/starvation, to usuing sex and having attention from men...everyday i hate my life, and the way i feel, i have constant thoughts of running away, i wear so many 'masks' still i still dont know the real me.please toasty, i know the od'ing is something you need to do, but that combination and amount of drugs is really gona affect you internally... if you are gona do it, do it safely... make sure you are controlled with itbig hugs x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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