BPD is ruining my relationships

[Emopucca]

Hi, I am 22 years old and I have borderline personality disorder. Before I never really seemed to see that my condition was very serious. Only my BF saw it because we fought everyday and he usually said it was because of my condition but I never seemed to accept it. I always thought that he just wanted to be right about everything. Well now it was gotten to a point where we broke up, well we've done it a few times but then we decide to get back together. He loves me very much and wanted me to become his wife and mother of his children even though he knew about my condition, he was willing to help me go through my therapy. But I never made my mental health a priority so things just got worse and worse between us. To a point where we got separated but decided to keep in touch because we still loved each other but just could not live together and weren't ready to give up completely on each other. Well I after a while decided to speak to him to fix everything again and he didn't say yes. He just said that he wasn't ready to get back with me just yet. So I started to believe that he probably found someone else and that feeling overwhelmed me to a point that I followed to find out where he was going and he went to an old friends house. That friend wasn't good news, so all I could think about was that he was up to no good. I was so furious that I burst all the windows of his car (I was drunk by the way). I went beyond the limit and the next day I was regretting it so much, I knew immediately that I blew whatever possibility/ chances I had of fixing things with him. So I apologized to him and told him I would take responsibilities of my actions and was going to pay for all damages caused and he forgave me and insisted that I don't have to pay anything but I told him that the only way I would feel a little good about myself is paying for it so he accepted. He said to me that taking responsibilities for my actions, says a lot about me.. I was shocked that he forgave me. And for some strange reason I feel like I might still have hope that we could get back together but only if I work on me. All he said to me was, that all he wanted me to do is to start my therapy and to work on my mental health. He said to me that he wasn't ready to talk about our relationship just yet, which seemed fair but the fact that we barely talk and he is my only friend I feel like my world is falling apart and that I am alone in this. But I need to do this. So where do I start? Any suggestions?

[Saharah Blue]

I can see both your points, you can only see what you can see, but others can see your blind spots. BPD ruins my relationships as well, but sometimes I have to at the people I am trying ti have relationships with.

It was pointed out to me recently, that the reason I often feel so let down by my friends and my relationship is because everyone I choose to interact with (closely) are very troubled. When I think back to the different levels of functioning we have all been at, it is true, very true.

I have to keep working at this all the time still despite the amount of therapy I have had, it feels very life long but, it is rewarding when I reach milestones in improvement.

 

[zhrio]

I broke up with my LDR girlfriend recently and she has somewhat similar attitude towards me. She wants me to be her friend but doesn't want to talk about relationships even if i swear that I will get better. The only thing I know is that she lost feelings towards me because of too much bad memories. I hope this means that my (and your too) relationships can be fixed in the future.

[nuttyyin]

I was diagnosed 15 years ago with severe borderline. all my  three children and my mother are estranged from me, now at the age of 58 the future of having a relationship is bleak for me, I have extreme trust issues , I am divorced and happy to be single, my family think that the BPD I have is a excuse, but that's how people are they choose to ignorant , it takes effort to understand , all I can say for you is , don't blame yourself .