BPD and friendship

[burning wing]

Hi everyone!

I haven't been here for a long time. Honestly, I've been missing this forum a lot, because I met really wonderful people here. When I tried to find it about a month ago, it didn't work, I don't know why, but somehow I couldn't find the web-site and log in. I feel guilty for coming here mostly in the time of trouble... This place is the first thing I remember if I have issues coping with things. This is the only place I know where I can just talk about such things as BPD and not feel ashamed or provoking.

Although, I'm really sorry for not being here for so long. I'm not sure whether it is a bad thing or not, but I somehow feel bad about it.

What made me come back here was my current situation... I had been in therapy for 1,5 years up to this October. I was told I needed 4 years, but my therapist had to go to another place and I didn't want to go to any other therapist, so I just kind of dropped out. Now I'm not in therapy and I don't have anyone to talk about my issues. So, when it gets difficult to cope, I don't know what to do, whom to contact. I thought about finding another therapist, but my budget is very low since I'm a student. I thought I could try to still afford it, but honestly, back then it took a lot from me to get myself to go to the therapist, and I got lucky he happened to be such a good person. I can't build up enough courage to visit a new therapist and tell him my whole story... and finding my old therapist also seems scary. I kind of feel like I'm not worthy... to get psychological help... that I should be able to cope by myself and I had been in therapy long enough. Well, this is not the issue which I want to address.

Now to the point of my talk:

I've got a friend. She is 22 when I'm 20, and she has been the best thing that happened to me in my life. We became friends in the autumn of 2014 after we met in a students' summer camp. She studies in the same university as I do and lives in one of its dorms just like me. Her building is five minutes from mine. Since the first week we became friends, I have been scared of losing her. Sometimes it happened that I burst in tears and asked her whether she was going to leave me. In the very beginning of our friendship I had to tell her the whole story about my BPD, and I tried to explain to her that it was essentially important for me to know whether she was going to leave me or not. I asked her that if she would ever make up her mind to leave, she must tell me so that I could at least be prepared. I do understand that she might feel like that, and that is why all I asked of her was to tell me if she decides to leave. She's always laughed at me and said that I was talking nonsense and she would never want to leave me. But I still am constantly worried that someday she is just going to get sick of me. We have a habit of getting together for tea each weekend, and I'm always the one to call her first. She never calls me. I wonder what will happen if someday I just won't call, but I couldn't test it since I could never help calling her. Sometimes she doesn't answer right away, and then I can't help trying to get to her on and on, and I can leave her up to 10-15 calls. The worst thing is, I can't help it. Each time I swear I'm not going to call her, and then I do it again. If she doesn't answer (as she did today, for example), I freak out and start crying. I know that the fact that she hasn't left me in the last two years must be enough proof, but it doesn't feel like any proof to me.

Also she hides some things from me, which makes me also feel very bad. Often, when I ask how her day was or where she is going, she does not tell me. She also doesn't tell me some facts about her life in which I am very much interested. Every time she refuses to tell me something, I get scared that this is due to her not trusting me or not wanting to continue being my friend, and I freak out again.

This friend of mine is all I have. Of course, I have many friends in university, but I'm not as close to them. She is the only person whom I am so close with. I understand that my behavior might be difficult to handle, she might feel overwhelmed by my words and actions. I discussed the issue with my mother and she couldn't comprehend my way of thinking. She said I was making too much of this friendship between university girls, which is not supposed to be strong or important.

I'm really worried about the whole situation... I don't know how to handle this fear of losing her. It's not even that I'm afraid to be alone, it's the feeling of detachment from someone so close to me which feels unbearable. I'm afraid if I lose her, I won't be able to cope easily, I just cannot imagine myself without her. Which obviously sounds stupid... Also I don't know how to behave in situations when she doesn't want to tell me things, but she still says she wants to be my friend and she acts like she does. I'm confused... I spend days calculating whether she is going to leave me this week or not, which is soooo stupid considering the amount of time we spent together! If anyone could be so kind as to give me a peace of advice on handling this kind of feelings, I would be grateful. Thank you for your attention

[moonbeam beth]

Hello there,

I feel for you, to love your friend so deeply, and have this cause you so much fear...not easy to cope with at all.

I am not sure that I have advice but when your friend does not want to share things with you, it may not be personal towards you, some of us as people, just need to keep a little something for ourselves, even if it is just what we had for lunch, some people can feel engulfed and overwhelmed by those of us that love so deeply, which means that sometimes people unconsciously fight to keep themselves separate, simple act like not sharing the days events...

If you have a counsellor or therapist this is the perfect issue to bring up with them...

If not, try to write, paint, draw, dance,  (whatever can work for you) your way through those fearful feelings, try not to go with the impulse that comes up when she cannot answer the phone, or comes across as evasive when you ask questions....I spend a lot of time writing on my email draft list, I will never send these, they are the fear and anxiety, the stress and the worry...

Learning a process like mindful meditation can help, does not seem connected at first, but over time, when you start to panic over this and other things, it can help us to stop and focus rather than take impulsive action.

I also belive it is important not to focus all of our self on one friend, it is normal but a mistake that so many of us make, we forget to keep making new connections, this means that we often unknowingly put way to much pressure on our best buds...

Hope some of this makes sense, I love the honesty of what you write, I had very painful experiences with a lovely young man with bpd, but he absolutely crushed me in the friendship, he could not do what you do now, with insight and awareness you are seeking ways to cope, you are looking for healthy ways to relate, to me that's beautiful,  and means you will most likely keep your friendship building for longer...

Look forward to hearing how you are finding ways to cope this year...

Peace out from mbb x

[burning wing]

Hello moonbeam,

Thank you for your response and understanding. It feels good when someone accepts you and your issues, and doesn't criticize. In the real world, this is a very difficult thing to find.

Somehow this is what I fear... that she is already overwhelmed by my actions so much that she needs to keep thinks to herself to feel 'safe' and 'separate', and that, first, makes me feel guilty for causing such a good person so much trouble, and second, looks to me like an indicator that something is going wrong.

"Some of us as people just need to keep a little something to ourselves" ... that is a very interesting observation, I've never thought of it as such. Why do such people want to keep things to themselves, when it feels good to share things?

Thanks, I like the idea of writing e-mail drafts, I guess I'll try it next time.

I know that we should seek out new friends, but here comes another issue of mine: I often fear making close connections. I'm not generally afraid of people or even shy, but once I was even misdiagnosed as Avoidant because I often keep distance from people, and it's hard for me to trust them. Now I have many friends whom I hang out with when I meet them at university. I'm not afraid of what people might think of me, I do not fear public speaking, moreover, I like it, I hang out in big companies and I can easily chat with people I first met. But all of my so called friends only see the surface of my life, they don't know the 'real me'. I do not let people in my life. Somehow this is extremely hard for me. I cannot even imagine me having another friend as close as the girl I told you about. She is the only one who by far has made her way into my life, and that is why she is so precious to me. She is one of a kind... I fear that other people will not understand me, will ignore my inner feelings and I'm not sure if they'd ever be interested in them. And she is different.

Still, I'm doing my best making new connections. Although I end up having too much work to do, because I enroll myself into thousands of extra activities, so that I would not be alone at home, I'm alone only when I sleep. But I still can't develop really close ties. There are few other people whom I closer with than with others, but they are not as good as her, as well.

Thank you for understanding and listening. I guess a huge part of helping someone is just listening to them. I'm really grateful to you for your attention.

[Dizzidus]

Hi love, I never feel secure in relationships either . Just waiting to be dumped. In your case I think you are putting up a good fight with yourself , knowing that sometimes fear of loosing someones friendship can run wild. My emotions are all over the place sometimes and it is so difficult to raein them in. May I suggest music as a way of calming fears . I use it .The tracks I use are from the Medicine Womanx cd by Meddwyn Goodall New Word Music.  Hope that suggestion maybe helps. All the best 

[Nixie]

Hi Burning Wing

One thing i was thinking was that you're fortunate to have such a good friend in your life, so it's no wonder you worry about losing her.

Just remember that everyone is different, so even if you want to talk about everything with her, she might not be the same sort of person.  If that makes sense?  I have friends that I'm sure I drive a bit crazy, but they're the kind of people that don't mind that so much, so it just works.

And I know what you mean about surface friends - I have so many of those but so few "real" friends.  I think most people are like that though.