buoyantcat Posted August 13, 2004 Report Share Posted August 13, 2004 Does anyone have any advice on how I can deal with my best friend? He's probably one of the most patient, understanding, and best friends anyone can have, but sometimes I have problems with him. Can anyone give me some advice to set boundaries with him? I need to figure out some boundaries with him, so I don't call him 10 times in one day, leave 4 voicemails, and call him at 1 in the morning crying. When I'm going through really tough times (like right now), he will only pick up the phone, talk to me, and be patient to a certain point. I usually end up wearing him out, to where he won't answer his phone, and won't want to talk to me. Then, when I really need him most, it seems like I have already worn him out....like my time is up. Then, we usually won't end up speaking again for another week...when I have "cleared up". Can anyone give me advice on setting boundaries with friends? How to not let this happen? Code words...times of day...certain circumstances...anything? I think I need to sit down and have a talk with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 13, 2004 Report Share Posted August 13, 2004 buoy, i am not real up on the boundry specifics but it seems to me that you dont need to set boundries with him... but with yourself. maybe you could meet with him when you arent feeling bad and say something like... i know i wear you out and then feel rejected when you can no longer handle it and before either one of us gets to those points i want to set some boundries for myself when dealing with you. can you help me with what is reasonable for you and yet will give me opportunities to speak with you? It is my thought that you dont need code words if you are able to tell him you are in dire shape and really need to talk now. code words seem to work between people when feelings, emotions, and thoughts cant be directly expressed. is that the case with him? unfortunately the result of not being able to limit yourself it that it forces the other person into an all or nothing stance. if they cant indure the intensity they dont have the choice of staying, they have to leave.... its the old black and white thing.... just my oppinion bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladylazurus27 Posted August 13, 2004 Report Share Posted August 13, 2004 I think too that it would be good if you had other resources for support when you feel you need someone to talk to or are in a crisis. What about trying to call a crisis line first before you call him, writing in a journal, comming to this site, or just going somewhere where other people are like going for a walk or something. It sounds like he does want to help you at times and does care about you, so it's not like you should try to completely replace his help and support. However, I think you should just try to find other resources for support sometimes when you need it so that you two can maintain a healthy relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted August 14, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2004 Thank you VERY much! Betsy, I think I am going to memorize what you told me to tell him! And....you are right....I need to set some boundaries for myself...not for him! I just need some ideas, and I need to talk to him to find out what would work best for both of us. I know I need other support....but it's just that...I don't have any! I mean, I do have you guys, I have a couple other close friends, but there is only one person in the whole world who I trust with every word I say, and that person is my friend Roby. I've thought about calling a crisis line, but I don't have intentions of threatening my life, or trying to hurt myself, and I'm not exactly sure what a crisis line could do for me...I've never called one. I think that you're both right...which is why I need to sit down and talk with him...work some things out. As far as boundaries go, I'm kind of stumped right now. Has anyone else gone through this? What about the people here who DON'T have BPD? Could anyone give me ideas on what to do or what NOT to do? So I can still have him to talk to, but not wear him out and bother him. This kinda stinks..... Meh....any comments or advice at all would really help, because this is something that's been on my mind for awhile now... Thanks, you guys. :closedeyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted August 15, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2004 Nevermind. I've lost my friend. He can't deal with my emotional baggage. He doesn't have time for me anymore. Kick me, spit in my face, stab me, punch me, shoot me, murder me. I won't feel it. I've lost my best friend. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and thrown into a blender as I write. I am numb, sad, and I think I have made the biggest mistake in my whole life so far. Please pray for me. Please pray that I don't cause any harm to myself. Please pray for me. I don't think I will be around here much anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 15, 2004 Report Share Posted August 15, 2004 buoy, my heart goes out to you. i am so sorry. please dont do anything to harm yourself. not being around here is not going to be helpfull to you. you need more support now..not less. talk to us more about what happened. talk about the specifics of the break up. if you keep it inside it is only going to get worse. let everyone here help you through this. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted August 15, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2004 It's too confusing and messed up. I won't leave, but I don't feel like talking about it at the moment. Things may work out. We are just going to have to work really hard for our friendship to work...if it is going to work. We talked briefly today, and he told me that we could talk about ways to not let this happen again. We both decided that we're going to give each other some space and talk later in the week. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens. I talked to my other friend last night, and he helped me put things into perspective a little better (I am extremely pessimistic). I am hanging in there, and I am praying a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 15, 2004 Report Share Posted August 15, 2004 ((((((((((((((( hugs to you in your struggle ))))))))))))))))))))))))))) it sounds like all is not lost... and that is good. we're glad you are hanging in with us and dont feel like you have to define anything that you arent ready to or dont want to define. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted August 16, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2004 Thank you, Betsy. You're awesome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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