They Say

[budgie]

They say, come, talk to us

And you did

And what happened?

You scare the hell of them

They ran, as fast as they can

They say you are putting pressure on them

Some say its your attitude

A few ask you to turn to The Divine

Most, if not all, did not understand, all that u just wanted

Was for someone's presence

To be with you

To listen, to talk, to be around, just to be with.

Even whenthey cannot feel your pain.

Even when they cannot share your emptiness

Your frustrations, your hurts, your aimlessness

But they didnt, couldnt understand that.

And so, You are left alone. Lonely and alone.

Yes, the key is inside us, but mine...i dont have one.

I dont have a key Betsy. But I can do without one..so far.

My Trustee is holding my key. That is the only reason for my existence.

None else.

Along the muddy path I will trudge on, foot dragging along

Ahead I see not, only the movement made by each painstaking step

and the pause after each step is enough to keep me occupied.

[Betsy]

budgie,

you do have a key (as I do). we just have a hard time holding on to that. when you are up you are so fun and witty and caring... where does she go when you are down? i guess this is my struggle right now and that is why i am asking you the question... where does she go? no, i dont really expect an answer... but if you have one i'd be much abliged because it might help me discover where i am.

there arent many people that are built to take the kind of pressure you put on them, to feel the vastness of your lonelyness and not turn away. it's sad, but we have to pay most people to look at that... and then they only do it for a few hours a week... and that isnt enough relief. i dont know what i can say to you to make you feel anybetter.... i suspect there is nothing that can be said. these feelings that overwhelme, this essences of us, this core emptiness washes over us without being bidden... but it also ebbs away on its own time schedule. where does it go when we are up..... i think i know the answer to this... i think it lurks inside us until it resurfaces and knocks us on our butts the next time. i guess what i am striving to do is keep it at bay... keep it from jumping out and to extend the time inbetween bouts... to live in that inbetween time and not in the time of darkness, voids, emptiness and screaming pain.... i hope you get one of these times soon because you have felt so bad for so long.

i once offended you in chat and you didnt talk to me for quite a while and i hope i am not doing that again. it's just i think our lives have to be about more than our feelings. it makes me sad when the recovery forum here is seldom used.. arent any of us making any progress? is the hopelessness and darkness and despaire destined to rule our lives. i dont want that..i am pitting all the strength of my bpd against the bpd itself... oh well, dont know if any of this makes any sense. just trying to be helpful and supportive and hoping that it sounds that way and you can feel some of the genuine caring i feel for you.

bets

[budgie]

Thank you Betsy...like u said, I am just currently awashed in that damned sea. It just feels like everyone has ran away.....abandonment issues AGAIN u know...that familiar yet hateful feeling...that emptiness. Yes, I was well last time, until ...SIGH. Independence Day? Now I just have to wait it out, having a Jake around would have been nice eh LOL! Guess I'll have to do with hubby instead of searching for all those JERKS!

(((BETSY))))

Budgie