Do Borderlines Get Into Crazy Relationships?

[Starr]

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. And even though it was pure hell I think I stayed because of all the drama. I think back to it now and almost want it back. I know its sick. It was bad but it wasnt the kind of stuff like ending up in the hospital. He wouldnt hit me, but he would push and do the whole power thing. And would mentally abuse me. So still abusive.

My ex wants me back and Im trying to stay away from him. Thats a whole other story. I have a new bf who is really sweet and is the opposite of my ex but I cant stand him. How can I not like this guy who treats me so good?

I am so bored. I am trying to cause drama all the time. Starting fights. Just being nasty. I think I need to be alone. I dont think I should be in a relationship because I do this stuff.

I am not happy at all.

I dont know much about BPD. I know I need to read more about it. Why do we have this? Where does it come from? I know BP is a chemical thing and I understand why I have that. But BPD? My childhood waw horrible. Does it come from that?

Why do you guys think you have it? And does it ever go away? Will I ever have peace? Will I ever stop causing havoc in my life?

Im sorry I have so many questions.

[chloeJ1980]

one fo the causes of BPD is post traumatic stress disorder, you said you had a terrible childhood maybe its a response to that. Otherwise i guess its like anything, some are more succeptible than others, my childhood wasnt so bad so i accept its chemical with me. sometimes it goes away (but it takes a while) other times it can be managed so you barely notice it.

but on the relationships front, one of the signs is getting into tempestuous relationships, i love the drama too even when its degrading to me. I always need to have an event happening otherwise i feel like i dont exist!

Please dont go back with this guy, no matter how boring this new nice guy is, remember he cares for you, while your ex hurt you. Maybe being hurt by your ex feels better because it took you away from yourself, you could blame him instead of you?

clo xx

[Starr]

one fo the causes of BPD is post traumatic stress disorder, you said you had a terrible childhood maybe its a response to that. Otherwise i guess its like anything, some are more succeptible than others, my childhood wasnt so bad so i accept its chemical with me. sometimes it goes away (but it takes a while) other times it can be managed so you barely notice it.

but on the relationships front, one of the signs is getting into tempestuous relationships, i love the drama too even when its degrading to me. I always need to have an event happening otherwise i feel like i dont exist!

Please dont go back with this guy, no matter how boring this new nice guy is, remember he cares for you, while your ex hurt you. Maybe being hurt by your ex feels better because it took you away from yourself, you could blame him instead of you?

clo xx

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It did make me not have to think about myself. There was always so much stuff going on I didnt have time to stop and think. It was always drama. 5 years of this and now nothing. I feel like Im going nuts.

I know I cant go back to him. He is really bad for me. But I dont think I can stay with my new bf either. I just dont know how to tell him to leave.

and Im afraid if I do I will beg him to stay. That annoying get out, no please stay stuff I do :angry:

[chloeJ1980]

i know what you mean, theres even a book called "i hate you, dont leave me" a phrase i have used time and time again with my husband.

I had crap relationships before him. we only met 18mnths ago and got married 6 months ago. At first i wasnt really into our relationship, he was such a "nice" guy, i didnt get arguements with him so i also lacked the drama and adrenaline rushes i was used to. After a while i trusted him not to leave, i knew i could be honest with him about myself and he would listen and even though he didnt understand and still doesnt he stays and accepts that i have good and bad days.

Now i'm not constantly arguing with him and worrying about him and i, i can concentrate on getting help for myself, i can be selfish and not feel guilty. I dont have the excuse to not find help, i have more than ever to lose now.

I know its hard to see, and maybe the guy youre with now isnt the one for you, but give the good guys a chance. You need to be with someone who will support you and not make you feel bad about concentrating on you.

Thats my opinion....keep in touch tho, i'd like to xx

[caz]

Patterns of unstable relationships-is one of the diagnostic criteria for bpd.

[90mphINneutral]

I can relate 100% to you.

I agree with the whole drama thing.

I too love the drama even though I am the one that usually gets hurt in the end.

I have been in my share of crappy relationships.

I think "borderlines" are more prominent to fall into those kind of relationships.

I don't think BPD actually ever goes away eventhough the symptoms do lighten up as we get older.

But it takes work, DBT, psychotherapy etc.

[mrs tree]

if you are not happy with your current BF that doesn't mean you want the opposite...When I look back at some of my relationships and at times with my hubby when I am bored of them it is me I am bored of my life that is dull coz I am stuck at home...

and I bet you ex wants you back...guys and women for that matter who do mental abuse want the person back under thier power once you have left.

Take good care and try not too be too impulsive whatever descision you make ( that is another BPD trait)

Mrs Tree

[Starr]

i know what you mean, theres even a book called "i hate you, dont leave me" a phrase i have used time and time again with my husband.

I had crap relationships before him. we only met 18mnths ago and got married 6 months ago. At first i wasnt really into our relationship, he was such a "nice" guy, i didnt get arguements with him so i also lacked the drama and adrenaline rushes i was used to. After a while i trusted him not to leave, i knew i could be honest with him about myself and he would listen and even though he didnt understand and still doesnt he stays and accepts that i have good and bad days.

Now i'm not constantly arguing with him and worrying about him and i, i can concentrate on getting help for myself, i can be selfish and not feel guilty. I dont have the excuse to not find help, i have more than ever to lose now.

I know its hard to see, and maybe the guy youre with now isnt the one for you, but give the good guys a chance. You need to be with someone who will support you and not make you feel bad about concentrating on you.

Thats my opinion....keep in touch tho, i'd like to xx

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I actually bought that book last week. I havent started reading it yet.

I am glad you seem to be doing good with your hubby.

I appreciate you giving me advice. Lord knows I need it. Thanks

[Starr]

Patterns of unstable relationships-is one of the diagnostic criteria for bpd.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well, I only have unstable relationships. I have a pdoc appt today and Im going to talk to him about this stuff.

[budgie]

hi there starr

when i saw ya post title, i was like gonna answer YES. crazy as in, unhealthy relationships, yeah...

i understand u starr. it jus seem so bloody difficult to accept n b contented w whoever is good to us....crazy even, but i guess dats dat. i've been better at convincing myself so far, this last yr, to consicously accept n b relatively ok with myself, what i hv, it sure takes a whole lot of self talking, and constant, constant reminding ....

jus wanna let u know u r not alone, nor crazy or anything, jus human,.

take care.

[chloeJ1980]

thanks for the post starr but i think i should tell you things arent great with my new hubby. he's in the army and doesnt understand the illness, he has enough self control for us all so he cant understand the impulsive and unstable things i do. But saying that, i am happier than i was with my last abusive bf, my last bf provided me with the ammo to have bigger and less fixable impulses. I was even arrested whilst with him, something that i doubt would happen with my hubby as he is so nice and kind he wouldnt provoke a situation and he can see when im about to "go off on one". Maybe the guy youre with right now isnt the guy for you but take into consideration the affects of BPD you need to know those around you will help to disengage a situation not create them.

Things are still tough for us but i know we'll sort it out and stay together, can you say that with your bf? is it long term and beneficial to yourself....cos thats the reason for having relationships....to increase your happiness and make your life feel better, and enrich your life really!

[blueeyes]

hi everyone ,

im new here , i just had to had to reply to this post as i can relate so much .

without going into lots of details i can recommend a fantastic book which i know for a fact will help you to understand your problems , its 'Women who love too much ', by Robin Norwood .

I'll write out a short bit of what its about ,

'Is having somebody to love the most important thing in your life ? Do you constantly believe that with the 'right man' you would no longer feel depressed or lonley? Are you bored with 'nice guys' who are open , honest and , dependable ?'

If being in love means being in pain then this book is for you .

I hope this helps , my copy is falling to bits , i have read it that many times and each time i do i learn something else and see it from a different perspective . Im still hanging in there , just recently come out of another doomed relationship , which ended with abuse and misery . These relationships can be powerfully addictive, most especially for people with personality / mental health problems, and the cycle continues . Well thats enough from me , time to read my book again i think , maybe i can act on it next time !

[lostsoul]

the simple answer starr is that yes, we get into mental relationships

but let us turn our attention to what a mental relationship is exactly

in my opinion, all relationships have a side to them that is unhealthy or that could be deemed to be unhealthy, and they also have their good points. i think it is misleading to think we are experiencing something unique here - many many people, bpd and normal, get into bad relationships. we're complex creatures and will always have complicated lives, inc relationships

the other thing is that it takes two people to be in a relationship. it takes two people to need the drama, one to dish it out and one to take it lol

what's my point? sodded if i know. my advice would be, work on you first, then do a relationship.

[blueeyes]

although it maynot be exclusively predominant for people with bpd/mi to experience problems in relationships , it is a key factor and part of the problem is the fact that we can find ourselves being repeatedly drawn into these kind of unhappy relationships .

this is destructive and beyond the 'norm'

therefore i think that any help offered to stop the negative patterns of thoughts and behaviours can only be a good thing .

[Lauren]

Only ever had fucked up relationships with just about everyone.

So its a flaw on my part but im buggerd if I know what it is.

[Wisdom]

Folks with BPD are no more at risk for crazy relationships than someone who hasn't been diagnosised. Regardless, unstable interpersonal functioning is a classic symptom that affects all areas of living not just relationships.

We need to be very careful about how we self diagnosis. I have seen (worked)with alot of folks who did this and and created more problems for themselves than they would have otherwise seen a professional. I share the latest and updated "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" criteria for bpd. Most of you know it anyways.

According to DSM-TR-IV, 2004, pg 689...........

General Diagnostic Criteria for a Personality Disorder.

A. An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individuals culture. This pattern is manifested in two (or more) of the following areas:

(1) cognition (ie ways of perceiving and interpreting self, other people, and events)

(2) affectivity(ie. the range, intensity, lability, and appropriatnessof emotional response)

(3) interpersonal functining

(4) impulse control

B. The enduring pattern is inflexable and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations

C. The enduring pattern leads to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning

D. The pattern is stable and of long duration, and its onset can be traced back at least to adolescence or early adulthood

E. The enduring pattern is not better accounted for as a manifestation or consequence of another mental disorder

F. The enduring pattern is not due to the dirct physiological effects of a substance (eg. a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (eg. head trauma)

[xoomer]

Just stay away. from him, my x was the same way... it took me a long time to get over it, (maybe thats why i'm a board member?) she was abusive menataly and sexually. and If she came to me tommorrow, I would still probabaly go back... but for your health just stay away.. :blahblah1:

[Starr]

Its all so confusing to me. Its like I dont know who I am. I think I do need to be alone and find out who I am and work on myself before I can be in a relationship again.

I just dont know how to tell this guy its over. He moved out of state for me. A long way. I feel horrible.

[edster]

hello folks, I'm new to this site... just getting used to it...

if anyone would like to chat, feel free to say hi

;)

[chloeJ1980]

hey edster, hows it going?

Welcome x

[Starr]

hi there starr

when i saw ya post title, i was like gonna answer YES.  crazy as in, unhealthy relationships, yeah...

i understand u starr. it jus seem so bloody difficult to accept n b contented w whoever is good to us....crazy even, but i guess dats dat. i've been better at convincing myself so far, this last yr, to consicously accept n b relatively ok with myself, what i hv, it sure takes a whole lot of self talking, and constant, constant reminding ....

jus wanna let u know u r not alone, nor crazy or anything, jus human,.

take care.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks it makes me feel better that Im not alone in this :rolleyes:

[Starr]

hi everyone ,

im new here , i just had to had to reply to this post as i can relate so much .

without going into lots of details i can recommend a fantastic book which i know for a fact will help you to understand your problems , its 'Women who love too much ', by Robin Norwood .

I'll write out a short bit of what its about ,

'Is having somebody to love the most important thing in your life ? Do you constantly believe that with the 'right man' you would no longer feel depressed or lonley? Are you bored with 'nice guys' who are open , honest and , dependable ?'

If being in love means being in pain then this book is for you .

I hope this helps , my copy is falling to bits , i have read it that many times and each time i do i learn something else and see it from a different perspective . Im still hanging in there , just recently come out of another doomed relationship , which ended with abuse and misery . These relationships can be powerfully addictive, most especially for people with personality / mental health problems, and the cycle continues . Well thats enough from me , time to read my book again i think , maybe i can act on it next time !

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks I will check that book out. I havent been doing that well. Thats why I havent been here all that much. I have been having major problems with my ex abusive bf. Just today I had a run in with him. Long story but basically had a frickin panic attack. Im new here too. Maybe we can try to help eachother. Thanks :)

[Starr]

the simple answer starr is that yes, we get into mental relationships

but let us turn our attention to what a mental relationship is exactly

in my opinion, all relationships have a side to them that is unhealthy or that could be deemed to be unhealthy, and they also have their good points. i think it is misleading to think we are experiencing something unique here - many many people, bpd and normal, get into bad relationships. we're complex creatures and will always have complicated lives, inc relationships

the other thing is that it takes two people to be in a relationship. it takes two people to need the drama, one to dish it out and one to take it lol

what's my point? sodded if i know. my advice would be, work on you first, then do a relationship.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I really do need to work on me. I have never been without a bf. I have no idea who I am. I want to start a fresh new life. I actually want to move to another state and start all over. I know my problems will followe me but there is way too much here that is very unhealthy for me.. I am not from here anyway. And have hated it eversince I got here. You are so right about working on me first. I have been telling myself this for a while now. :)

[Starr]

Patterns of unstable relationships-is one of the diagnostic criteria for bpd.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I saw my Pdoc he wants to focus on whats going on now like needing my meds changed because I also have BP. He does think I have BPD plus its in my records from a while ago. But he said we will deal with that later.

[Starr]

I can relate 100% to you.

I agree with the whole drama thing.

I too love the drama even though I am the one that usually gets hurt in the end.

I have been in my share of crappy relationships.

I think "borderlines" are more prominent to fall into those kind of relationships.

I don't think BPD actually ever goes away eventhough the symptoms do lighten up as we get older.

But it takes work, DBT, psychotherapy etc.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The drama thing sucks. I can see myself wanting to start fights. My bf now is so passive and wont argue at all. Im so use to jerks who would love to fight. Its like I want him to yell at me. I will cause a fit like a 2 year old and if he doesnt react the way I want him to I go and pout.. I know what hes doing is right. He shouldnt give in to me but damn it pisses me off. I will sit in my room and obsess over it. In my head I have these racing thoughts. What can I do to get him to give me that drama and attention I need? I just keep at him and nothing does it... God it aggrivates me. I hate that about myself.