Shoe Panda Posted August 21, 2004 Report Share Posted August 21, 2004 I have to go. I have to. This is not new. For a few years now I have felt this urge to move away from everything and everyone I know, to start new. I've wanted it so bad I could taste it. But something always holds me back. I feel chained. Chained by my fear of being alone, chained by my attachment to my friends, chained by the world I've known for ten years now. Virginia is the only permanent home I've known. But how long can I hold on to things as they are? Am I going to spend my whole life in my parents' home because I'm too weak to survive on my own? Am I going to cling to my friends until they finally get married/partnered off, get real jobs and move away--find myself alone again, and unable to move on? I'm planning on going to upstate New York to visit my friend Christiana. She and I think an open-ended vacation--i.e. anywhere from a few days to a couple weeks--is in order. She's offered to help me find work if I want to...waitressing or working in a kitchen. Maybe by striking out on my own I'll be able to find myself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoe Panda Posted August 21, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2004 Ack. Forgot the last part of what I wanted to write. I know borderlines tend to be impulsive...perspective, anyone? Anyone think this is a good idea? Anyone think this is an extremely bad move? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 21, 2004 Report Share Posted August 21, 2004 if after thinking about it for two years it still looks attractive why not... that doesnt sound impulsive to me. besides if it doesnt work you can always move back to the familair. many young ppl move away from their roots only to return later. usually they are happy for the experience but recognize home is something different than they can find anywhere else. just remember.... you can move away from virginia... but you can never move away from yourself... you are still you wherever you are. oh, and by the way, we like you! bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoe Panda Posted August 21, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2004 lol. Thank you, Bets. I like to be liked. ^ ^ And I like liking y'all back. My trip to New York is cancelled. I feel bad because Christiana and I were making plans and stuff...but Dustin and I had a good long talk tonight, and worked through some of our issues. Now's not the time for me to run off--not even for a few days. We've got to patch this up first, re-establish the closeness we had, before I can even consider leaving again. But I'm so glad to have him back. Thank you guys for being here in the rough times. I hope I'm as much of a support to you as you are to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twilight Posted August 21, 2004 Report Share Posted August 21, 2004 I'm glad you've sorted through some stuff and have decided to stay to get things straight. I often have an urge to move away from everything but then i realise the one thing i want to get away from is me and that ain't gonna happen wherever i move. Hope u feel better for making a bit of a decision. Take care xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoe Panda Posted August 22, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2004 Interesting that you mention that, twilight. (The part about realizing you wanted to run away from yourself.) In the past couple of years that's one of the big reasons I haven't acted on the urge to flee--I realized that no matter where I went, I was still going to be me, and I was still going to have all my baggage along for the ride. My dad has a saying. Where he picked it up from, I don't know. But it's like so: "Wherever you go, there you are." Maybe some of you more familiar with axioms will recognize it.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragdoll Posted August 23, 2004 Report Share Posted August 23, 2004 hey panda, i know this is probably too late as you have made up your mind but 6 months ago i packed up and moved states in Australia, i went from one end of the country to the other. i did this within 3 weeks of visiting reletives up north and and it was the best move i have ever made. my self harm has reduced from every 2nd day while i was in melbourne down to nothing. i have only self harmed 5 times in 12 months. my goal was to leave my mental health shit behind, and of course as the others say you cant do that and i learned that. i had to find a shrink and i was lucky enough after 6 weeks of searching high and low to find a brilliant one. then i needed some extra social supports so i went and got that. now im on a waiting list for a DBT coach as i did a course of it in 2000 and need some help with the skills now. I also have recently found a brilliant job. i have had two others previously but they were crap and i was very unwell for quite some time. but things have balanced out for me lately and ive been managing very well. and this job is the best thing that could have happened for my confidence and self esteem as all the carers i work for commend my work. so sometimes move can bring about a change for the better not the worse. for me it was the best decision i ever made, but also the hardest change to deal with. it does bring with it heaps of ups and heaps more downs. i was very unstable for a long time, its only in the last month that things have picked up for me. so you need to think and plan what you are doing. i had been wanting to move for months just didnt know where to go, and a holiday up here to brisbane made my decision for me. it doesnt have to be impulsive if you plan it properly and show ppl that you have planned it out and most importantly show yourself that its not impulsive. just because we have BPD doesnt mean everything we do is impulsive we can plan things out aswell. good luck panda. ragdoll Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 23, 2004 Report Share Posted August 23, 2004 hey raggy... good to see you again and you sound so much better. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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