Untitled.

[lauren18808]

Some filthy anonymous word pauses on the top of your moan,

And depths of haughtiness greeted our wicked words, belle de jour.

We’re not creatures of the rhythm, we created our own.

Waking still benethe the peeling paint, and dried blood, on rotten floors.

Kill it now, and forever blame the moment we lost.

With the hands that smell clean to everyone else, like pears and brambles.

My hands in your hair, the last breathe you take in the lifetime hesitates,drops.

And we are reborn, in agony and love, hidden, our thoughts in shambles.

No love, no wake, no rest, for the empathetic children of late.

You don’t love, but your fingertips linger at the corner of my neck,

At this moment I long, to know you back then, Of fate,

And sceptic tongues twisted in the stubborn confessions, Wait.

Wait awhile, wrap me up, in your idle hands and pleasured smiles.

I want to know you, from the inside in, and outside out.

And to tell you I love you more right now, and it will last a while.

Than the energy burning vast between us, in a shield of dishonour.

Your body is more to me than the lightning we feel.

So talk away, every moment we steal.

[Lauren]

Very clever.

Most impressed.Theres something there I want to pull out of it,sculpt it.But on first and second read I dont know what it is.

Will come back when im feeling more...... *Something*

[lauren18808]

fanking yoo *cheesy grin*

[lostsoul]

really liked that a lot

x

[Vicky]

Wow, I'm really impressed, that's really good.

[Lindsey]

Have to say that I'm very impressed-and that's coming from an english lit. student! you should keep up the writing because it's great

xx

[Lauren]

Lauren,

May I?

Theres little here that makes me want to do this,but still.....

[Lauren]

Lauren,

I really hope you dont mind,but I just played around with your poem a bit. Seeing why it felt so special

Really hope you dont mind. Your original is great.Thanks for giving me something that inspires me to crit/edit lol

Anyway,this is what I came up with......

Some words pause

on

the top of your moan

some depth of haughtiness——

our wicked words (belle de jour)——we’re not

of our own rhythm

beneath the peeling paint

and dried blood

on our rotten floors

blame the moment lost.

The hands smell clean

like pears and brambles

my palms in your hair

my last breath

you took in——once

a lifetime by hesitation

we dropped——we were reborn;

our thoughts in sham bles.

No love-wake-rest

for the empathetic children

you don’t

love, but your fingertips linger on my neck;

at this

moment (I long to know you

back then) our skeptic tongues twist

the stubborn confession.

Wrap me up

in your idle hands

I want to know

from inside out

from outside in

It will last;

the energy holds here now——

a shield of dishonour——

your body is more

than gravity felt

so walk every moment away

we steal.

[Lauren]

And now you can feel free to rip my crap to bits any time :P

[lauren18808]

oh my god, Lauren, that's amazing. I love it.

Feel free to nick a bit of credit, that's beautiful, thankyou.

[lauren18808]

Take more than a bit, you've completely reworked the poem and made it better. lol.

Thankyou, it's extremely flattering.

[Lauren]

No hun,

Its your work.You created it.I just played around and added a few breaks.

[Lauren]

This is all I did.

Some [filthy anonymous] word(s) pause on the top of your moan[,]

[And] depths of haughtiness [greeted] our wicked words[,] ((belle de

jour))[.]

We’re not [creatures] of [the](our) rhythm, we('re) [created](not) our

own[.]

[Waking] still bene(a)th[e] the peeling paint[,] and dried blood[,] on

rotten floors.

Kill it(--)now, and forever blame the moment [we] lost[.]

[With] the hands [that] smell clean [to everyone else,] like pears and

brambles[.](-)

My hands in your hair[,] (My)[the] last breath[e] you take in

[the](Once a) lifetime hesitates[,]/drops.

[And] (W)[w]e are reborn, [in agony and love, hidden,] our thoughts in

sham(()bles[.]

No love[, no] wake[, no] rest[,]/ for the empathetic children of

late.

You don’t /love, but your fingertips linger at the corner of my

neck[,](.)

At this moment I long[,] to know you / back then[, Of fate,]

And s(k)[c]eptic tongues twist[ed] [in] the stubborn confessions, Wait.

Wait(.) [awhile,] (W)[w]rap me up[,] in your idle hands [and pleasured

smiles.]

I want to know you[,] from the inside in[,] and outside out.

[And to tell you I love you more right now, and] (I)t will last [a

while.]

[Than] (T)[t]he energy (holds)[burning vast between us[, in](here now)

a shield of dishonour.

Your body is more /[to me] than the [lightning](gravity) [we

feel.](felt)

So talk away, every moment // we steal.