Am Not Going To Like This, But............

[Lauren]

I need to figure some things out. So hopefully can use this thread to start it.Making it public because sometimes its easier to see things when your not so close.

Am going to push myself to be open and actually say how I really feel and why rather than just state facts.I am saying this because so,so many people say im closed of.They dont know me.They never know what im thinking.Im reserved.

I see myself as the complete opposite, but so many people have said it for so long that I guess there must be some truth in it.

So maybe that should be the first thing I try and figure out.

Right now im thinking back over old posts here,conversations with people in my life and trying to see where im going wrong.

(Geez,wish I had a T )

So I can state the facts about certain things.But I never say how I feel about it.

I dont say such and such happend and I feel angry/upset/sad/hurt/happy/god damn estatic

I can say that someone is great or is a dick,I can give reasons to back up my statements but I cant follow through past that.

Is it all to do with not knowing how I feel? or is it a fear of stating my feelings?

I remember a MH nurse when I was 15/16 giving me like a list of all these different emotions and getting me to tick which ones I felt at the time and at the time when I was still living at home.

I remember thinking 'wheres the box for the hyped up,bouncing of the wall,twisting your guts in pain and frustration and anxiety box?' or the box for the emotion that can pin you against the wall unable to move or take in anything around you box?

Or wheres the box for the one that makes you fly into a rage and smash up a room? Destroy the few things that you value.

But I also remember saying how I felt and not being heard. Being told that I couldnt feel that way. Or to just deal with it,get over it.

Remember being told 'what happens on tour stays on tour' or 'what happens in this room stays in this room or it wont work and god will take you away'

[lostsoul]

i'm not sure what you're asking for...

god damn it. that's a first. x

[Lauren]

No worrys lusty losty.

Neither am I at this stage. Just going to play with it and add as I feel the need.

x

[Lauren]

Second thing........

My past. Do I need to go over it? What do I need to learn from it? Can I learn anything?

I see all of my life as just a series of events. I dont really think I feel much about any of it. I THINK thats to do with not feeling real. Like I dont actually exist.

Despite my disdain for it I have done a lot of work based around CBT. I am far more in control of my actions. But my life is still fucked.

Some facts:

*Ex Junkie

*Experienced ritual/sexual/emotional and physical abuse as a child.

*A mother that made me into her mother half of the time

*A father who just let her get on with her behaviour towards us

*Bullied and isolated at school for being different and later for being in care

*I turned a man gay lol lol lol

*Lived with 6 different familys in the space of three years

*Lived in a camper van with two bi sexual men at the age of 16

*Worked as a prostitute

*Slept with a lot of much older men in order to buy there care and affection

I just dont feel a great deal about any of it. Damn it, I still talk to my mother.Speak to her like none of it ever happend.The few times ive bought it up ive felt guilty for upsetting her.

Actually I do feel things, but its all about how I made other people feel.

Ok, thats the first time ive realised that.

Got to go and get J now and give him a big kiss for being my little angel.

[calyps]

Mate,

you have experienced classic invalidation- people telling you you shouldn't be feeling a certain way, or to just deal with it/get over it- this is really harmful to us. WHY are we not allowed to feel a certain way, or do certain things? Because it makes OTHERS uncomfortable. We basically pay the price for people's ignorance of mental illness and their own prejudices against it. i feel really jealous of these people- i wish I could be ignorant and think 'if only we locked everyone crazy up then life would be better for everyone' and continue on my way.

it's taken about 6 months of therapy for me to be able to identify an emotion i am feeling (and usually i get prompted by my t) and even then it still doesn't feel right that i should have that emotion.

[chloeJ1980]

i think i hear what youre saying lauren.

I can rely my day in facts but not feelings, i can tell you what i did and what time but i cant relate feelings or emotions throughout my day. I often start talking thinking i'm asking a question but find im just thinking out loud as i think you were.

When i tell my husband i feel nothing, he says "of course you feel something!!" "you are human after all" thats the thing that gets me, its inhuman not to think but thats just the way i get sometimes. I've done some really stupid disgusting things in the past and when i think about it now i know i should be ashamed or horrified butim not. I told my husband things i did and he was so ashamed for me, but i felt nothing.

I understand what you mean about smashing things up and spoiling things you value, about a month after i got married this year i tore up my wedding certificate, i broke the locket my mum and dad bought me for my birthday too, things i wish i had now.

I sometimes think that we have completely different brains to those without BPD...when i come on here everything others say relate to things i do and when others say they did crazy things i understand and know ive done them too....other people cant seem to even comprehend my thoughts never mind understand them....i know my way of thinking is so completely different to other peoples but they dont get that they think its just a phase or that i'm making it up.

See ive done it again, i started with a point now ive lost it!!

clo xx

[Lauren]

Yes,

I want to add some stuff to what you have said.But got to get my son in a bit.

Soon.

[Swan]

((((((((((((((((((Lauren))))))))))))))))))

Those are really hard experiences to deal with and I'm not surprised that you don't 'feel' anything about them.

Although it has been REALLY hard, I've found the Cassel has put me in touch with my feelings about things in my past - nothing as bad as what you've experienced though - I've hated it and fought against it, but ultimately, because I had enough faith to keep going despite everything I have seen real changes.

It is a psychodynamic based type of therapy which originally came out of work done at the Tavistock clinic and is primarily aimed at BPD,

I know that there are geographical problems, but I honestly think that you should try to investigate it because they might have some ideas about how you could work it. Certainly much more useful than plain old CBT, which isn't enough for the things you are struggling with.

It seems to me that you are going to have to ask a lot of people and do a lot of research to find the right answer, but I am convinced it is out there. You know that I will do anything that I can to help, if I can.

:bigarmhug[1]: